It's been an interesting month of going nowhere fast. My last post was incredibly honest about where I was, and I stayed in that place for too long. June was a bust as far as weight loss goes, but the good news is, I didn't gain anything while I floundered, which I'm taking as a success!
At my Weight Watchers meetings, the focus for the summer is happiness. This is a subject that I struggle with. When asked, I say that I'm a happy person. I usually have a smile on my face, and I love to laugh and make jokes with the best of them, but deep down, am I happy? What does that even look like? I'm learning.
The first meeting was about whether it's more true to be happy to lose weight, or to lose weight to be happy. This one was an easy one for me. I know that I'm much stronger and capable when I am enjoying the now. In spite of my size, it's important for me to have fun, and to do all I can, and not wait for some imaginary future time to get here that may never come. That meeting was interesting, but I felt like I had a good handle on the concept before I got there.
The next meeting was about taking time to calm down, and just be mindful of every moment, and everything inside of every moment. Now this one is HARD for me. I am always busy - my boss uses the word manic, and God knows that I'm not allowed to drink coffee at work. Slowing down and paying attention is really challenging. At the meeting, I did manage to sit still and quiet and breathe for two minutes, and I did go home and try to start a practice of meditating, but it's sort of fallen away. Now that I've written it down, though, I feel an obligation to get back to it. It's nice to enter the day from a peaceful place, with a calm spirit. It's energizing - and even as the day goes to hell in a hand basket, breathing and calm are just a few minutes away.
Now the meeting after the calm one has been one of my favorites ever. It's all about vision, and making a plan to get there. It asks the question, what do I want, and what do I need to do to get what I want, and making those things real. I've made a vision board to help me along, but, so it can be canonized here we go. My goal is to be a size 10. I've stopped focusing on the number, because honestly I have no idea what the number will be at a 10, but I do know that if I'm a 10, I'll fit into a size medium, and have a pretty decent shape. I want to play with my kids. I want to dance again. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I want to look on the outside like I feel on the inside. To do that, I need to clean up my eating, continue to exercise, and keep my eye on the goal instead of insignificant distractions. In the meeting there was this cool pie chart that talks about what influences one's ability to lose weight. 50% was genetics (thanks, Mom and Dad), but only 10% was attributed to life's circumstances. The other 40% was how we choose to react to the other two sections. It's interesting to think about, and in my therapy sessions, I'm going to be looking to build some practices to help me make sure that my reactions are in keeping with the long term goal.
Today's meeting was another good one. It was about gratitude and making sure to express it to the people and for the things I am grateful for. Here goes: I am grateful to my husband who does far more than his share of our life together. I am grateful that he loves our boys and me, and does all he can to provide for us and love us. I am grateful for old friends, who've walked with me on this journey for a long time, and have always supported me no matter what was going on. Erika, Jerit, Karina, Tracey, Tiffanie - you guys are amazing, and I love you so much. I know we're far away and lots of times our communication is just on Facebook, but I thank God for all of you when I think about how he's blessed me with your presence in my life. And I'm grateful for new friends. Darnella, I don't know where you've been all my life, but girl, I love you so much! I am so lucky that I get to do this weight-loss thing with you, and that you get me so well, that I don't have anywhere to go with you but onward. We're gonna kill this thing, lady - TOGETHER. I'm also grateful for random friendships that have popped up in the most surprising and unexpected places. An afternoon shooting session and drinks with a co-worker. A new colleague turned friend to mentor and learn from. It's so awesome that God has brought me just the people I need for just this time. Thanks y'all for letting me lean on you, and for taking such good care of me, my heart, and my feelings through all of this.
Writing all of that has made me happy. On a daily basis, I'm not sure that I can say I'm always "happy". There's a lot of negativity in me, whether I want to own it or not. I talk badly about myself, and as much as I KNOW I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, and have, over and over again, there is a really loud, really negative voice that likes to come and whisper in my ear. For the longest time, I have listened to it, and worse, believed what it said, but just now, since starting to write this, I have figured something out. That negative voice is Satan. He is the stealer of my happiness. And when I listen to his lies, I can't be focused on the joy that I'm promised as a daughter of the most high and the recipient of some amazing, perfect, and awesome gifts. So enough of that. Now that I'm onto his game, I can beat him at it. I can focus on God's truth, and spit that back out when I hear the lies. Aw, man....it's ON again, and the devil better look out! The crazy redhead's got another plan to leave him in the dust, and it starts first thing in the morning!
MR
Friday, July 3, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
Insert clever title here
I'm drained. I'm so tired. I just don't have anything left.
I wake up at 4:30 to go to the gym, and work really hard while I'm there. I get ridiculously sweaty and gross, and so tired that I can barely stagger back to my car and come home. I don't mind the workouts once I'm there, and I know I'm doing good things for my body by taking the time to move it. I just wish it were doing more for me on the scale right now.
Granted, my eating sucks. I cannot pull together a plan to save my life. Do I want to count points, or do I just want to eat off the Simply Filling list? Why in the world is it so hard to pack lunches? Why can I not just say no to desserts and sweets? It's maddening, and I'm reminded of Paul again in the Bible. "I don't do the things I want to do, but the things I don't want to do, I do." Pissed off, frustrated, cranky and tired are just the tip of the iceberg tonight.
I'll be back soon with a new plan in place, but for now, just going to bed in the hopes that I'll be able to pull this thing back together soon!
MR
Friday, May 29, 2015
An anniversary letter
Dear 20 year old version of me who got on a plane 18 years ago today,
You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. You are going to leave your family and friends and throw yourself into the power of a narcissistic sociopath who is going to destroy you from the inside out. You think you love him, because he hasn't shown you who he really is yet. You've seen glimpses, in his sick fantasies and his frustration when you have an opinion that differs from him; but you have chosen to ignore what is plainly there to escape your life that you hate.
Dear one, I know that it's been hard, and that this looks like the best chance you'll have. I know you've been emotionally tormented by scads of people who never even gave you a chance, or tried to get to know you. I know you're lonely as your friends pair off and find men who love them - or at least ones to sleep with. Being the third wheel sucks, and I know you think this is going to be an exciting adventure with love at the end of it. Trust me when I tell you it won't.
Blessed girl, if only you would listen to the words your Father has spoken to you about being a joy, and a delight and the good plan He has for your life. If only you would trust in Him for your happiness and not worry about the human trappings that you're surrounded by. Oh how I wish your faith was stronger, and how I wish you'd trusted in Him instead of the human you replaced Him with for a time.
You are going to have a very rough time over the next four years, Young One, mainly because you are diving in WAY over your head, and because your pride isn't going to let you undo it easily. You are going to be debased, abused, attacked, and belittled, and it's going to almost kill you. In three short years, you will be a beautiful bride, standing in a church, praying that some other man would be waiting for you at the end of the aisle - or better yet, wondering how you can tell all those people you don't want to get married at all. You will look back at pictures from that day and wish everything different. And in four years, you will be reeling with guilt for breaking your marriage vows and attempting to start over.
But, God is good, Darling lady, and He will get you through. You're going to be damaged - disobedience and doing things your own way can't allow for anything less - but you will survive. And you will see just how strong God made you, and what you're truly able to do with His help. He will give you many blessings at the end of the darkness. You will eventually meet the man He has for you and you'll have two children of your own who adore you. You will be successful at work, and you will earn the respect of people around you. You will make friends, with godly people who don't expect you to sacrifice your most intimate and personal pieces to make them love you. And it will be good.
But Sweetheart, you won't always see the good. The scar that this bad decision will leave on your heart will make you untrusting and insecure. You will always be confused about what love really is, and how sex isn't all there is to it. You will struggle against passion that you should have never known anything about, and you will fight to be the woman God has called you to be, instead of allowing yourself to rest in His peace and truth for your life.
Oh, Foolish, Desparate, Brokenhearted girl; If I could, I'd jerk you out of that airplane seat and lock you in a box until you finally figured out that you have so many gifts. You are a beautiful soul with fantastic hair. And you're funny. And so freaking smart. And capable of doing anything you set your mind to. But I can't, and unfortunately, those are lessons that you're going to have to learn through pain, and tears, and the school of hard knocks.
And you will learn them. But, spoiler alert, it's going to hurt. A LOT.
Sincerely,
Your thirty-eight year old self
You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. You are going to leave your family and friends and throw yourself into the power of a narcissistic sociopath who is going to destroy you from the inside out. You think you love him, because he hasn't shown you who he really is yet. You've seen glimpses, in his sick fantasies and his frustration when you have an opinion that differs from him; but you have chosen to ignore what is plainly there to escape your life that you hate.
Dear one, I know that it's been hard, and that this looks like the best chance you'll have. I know you've been emotionally tormented by scads of people who never even gave you a chance, or tried to get to know you. I know you're lonely as your friends pair off and find men who love them - or at least ones to sleep with. Being the third wheel sucks, and I know you think this is going to be an exciting adventure with love at the end of it. Trust me when I tell you it won't.
Blessed girl, if only you would listen to the words your Father has spoken to you about being a joy, and a delight and the good plan He has for your life. If only you would trust in Him for your happiness and not worry about the human trappings that you're surrounded by. Oh how I wish your faith was stronger, and how I wish you'd trusted in Him instead of the human you replaced Him with for a time.
You are going to have a very rough time over the next four years, Young One, mainly because you are diving in WAY over your head, and because your pride isn't going to let you undo it easily. You are going to be debased, abused, attacked, and belittled, and it's going to almost kill you. In three short years, you will be a beautiful bride, standing in a church, praying that some other man would be waiting for you at the end of the aisle - or better yet, wondering how you can tell all those people you don't want to get married at all. You will look back at pictures from that day and wish everything different. And in four years, you will be reeling with guilt for breaking your marriage vows and attempting to start over.
But, God is good, Darling lady, and He will get you through. You're going to be damaged - disobedience and doing things your own way can't allow for anything less - but you will survive. And you will see just how strong God made you, and what you're truly able to do with His help. He will give you many blessings at the end of the darkness. You will eventually meet the man He has for you and you'll have two children of your own who adore you. You will be successful at work, and you will earn the respect of people around you. You will make friends, with godly people who don't expect you to sacrifice your most intimate and personal pieces to make them love you. And it will be good.
But Sweetheart, you won't always see the good. The scar that this bad decision will leave on your heart will make you untrusting and insecure. You will always be confused about what love really is, and how sex isn't all there is to it. You will struggle against passion that you should have never known anything about, and you will fight to be the woman God has called you to be, instead of allowing yourself to rest in His peace and truth for your life.
Oh, Foolish, Desparate, Brokenhearted girl; If I could, I'd jerk you out of that airplane seat and lock you in a box until you finally figured out that you have so many gifts. You are a beautiful soul with fantastic hair. And you're funny. And so freaking smart. And capable of doing anything you set your mind to. But I can't, and unfortunately, those are lessons that you're going to have to learn through pain, and tears, and the school of hard knocks.
And you will learn them. But, spoiler alert, it's going to hurt. A LOT.
Sincerely,
Your thirty-eight year old self
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I hate it when this happens
I need to keep telling myself that at least I didn't gain weight this week. At least the scale didn't go up. At least I am still at -15.2 pounds since getting back on track.
I do keep telling myself those things, but it doesn't help. The scale showed me exactly the same as last week yesterday. No more killer weight loss in the whole pounds. Nothing. Bupkus. Nada. Nein. A big fat round goose egg. I was in the gym everyday. I tracked what I ate. Not sure what went wrong.
Well, that's not entirely true. I did eat fewer plants, and I did eat a few things that I am allergic to, so it could be inflammation. I need to check with my doctor on Tuesday and get his perspective on this. I was feeling so bad about all of this today that I actually ate 94 points worth of food. That's a lot. I've used up all of my weekly points, and swapped out all but one of my activity points so far for the week. The good news is that I'll earn more activity as I hit the gym every morning, and be a little more careful about what I put into my body.
My head is also not in the greatest place at the moment. Because this is a public blog, and anyone can read it, I have to be vague about why. I need to get back in with my therapist to see if I can turn my head and feelings about weight loss into a positive source of motivation instead of a negative. For the past four weeks I've been driven by a lot of really damaging thoughts, and I knew that would probably come back to bite me someday, and it looks like now is the time. It's hard to be motivated by negativity when the results aren't there.
I really need God to help me through this. To carry me through this week to Saturday and my next weigh-in, and every day in between. I need to be mindful of His presence and strength every time I make a choice regarding food or exercise, or water, or anything. I know He wants to help me and is just waiting for me to turn back to Him with an open heart. Stupid sin and stubbornness makes that so hard. Being human sucks.
Pray for me. I need it.
MR
I do keep telling myself those things, but it doesn't help. The scale showed me exactly the same as last week yesterday. No more killer weight loss in the whole pounds. Nothing. Bupkus. Nada. Nein. A big fat round goose egg. I was in the gym everyday. I tracked what I ate. Not sure what went wrong.
Well, that's not entirely true. I did eat fewer plants, and I did eat a few things that I am allergic to, so it could be inflammation. I need to check with my doctor on Tuesday and get his perspective on this. I was feeling so bad about all of this today that I actually ate 94 points worth of food. That's a lot. I've used up all of my weekly points, and swapped out all but one of my activity points so far for the week. The good news is that I'll earn more activity as I hit the gym every morning, and be a little more careful about what I put into my body.
My head is also not in the greatest place at the moment. Because this is a public blog, and anyone can read it, I have to be vague about why. I need to get back in with my therapist to see if I can turn my head and feelings about weight loss into a positive source of motivation instead of a negative. For the past four weeks I've been driven by a lot of really damaging thoughts, and I knew that would probably come back to bite me someday, and it looks like now is the time. It's hard to be motivated by negativity when the results aren't there.
I really need God to help me through this. To carry me through this week to Saturday and my next weigh-in, and every day in between. I need to be mindful of His presence and strength every time I make a choice regarding food or exercise, or water, or anything. I know He wants to help me and is just waiting for me to turn back to Him with an open heart. Stupid sin and stubbornness makes that so hard. Being human sucks.
Pray for me. I need it.
MR
Sunday, May 17, 2015
5%
Yesterday was a momentous occasion in my ongoing quest! I received my first piece of Weight Watchers "bling" that means I met a milestone accomplishment on my weight loss journey. I received my 5% lost award. That means I've lost 5% of my total body weight through this program, which equaled 14 pounds. Officially, I've lost 15.2 pounds overall, and I really do feel wonderful about it!
I am hitting the gym every morning, and getting really hot, sweaty and nasty, but by the time I'm done, I'm okay with that. It gives me great appreciation for my morning shower! My routine has been 30 minutes on a treadmill doing an interval training program. I've increased .1 mph on both the low end (currrently 2.2 mph) and the high end (currently 3.7 mph) and will continue to do that until I'm sure that I can meet the time requirement of the Diva 5K in DC in September, which is 5K in 50 minutes. After the treadmill, I do a stationery bike program for about 20 minutes. While I'm trying to keep my heart rate to 117, I haven't been very good about that, so I'm staying in the "Basic" programs for now, because I don't like to see my heart rate above 145. I'm getting too old for that! Then yesterday, because I had church right after the gym, I did just 30 minutes on an elliptical trainer. But in those 30 minutes, I burned 300 calories!! I was floored to see that! I think that's going to be my standard Sunday workout for the time being. I also follow the 30-day workout challenge that I mentioned in my last post. After the first couple of days, the soreness has gotten better, and while I still am feeling my workouts after them, the pain is absolutely manageable. I feel great going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I am really proud of myself that I didn't let my illness derail my fledgling efforts.
On a note slightly off the weight loss topic, but still in keeping with the self-improvement, my husband and I went on a Date Night on Saturday. We went to a local shooting range - Colonial Shooting Academy, if anyone's interested - THEY'RE AWESOME! They were really friendly and very helpful. I hadn't been to a range in about fifteen years, when I "stole" (according to my dad) my grandfather's .357. I still contend that I won it fair and square, and that if he didn't want to give it to me, he shouldn't have offered it. Can I help it that I out-shot him and my big brother on the range? Anyway, I took that gun with us, and it was amazing to shoot it again. I remembered halfway through that the first time I was shooting .38 special rounds through it, and .357 rounds are quite a bit more explosive. I did pretty well, but Hubby out-shot ME this time. I didn't like being on the other side of the fence, and have slightly more sympathy for my dad than I used to. Hubby and I also rented a couple of .45 semi-autos. I have to say that semi-automatics make me nervous. The flying hot brass coming back at me scares me just a tiny bit, but I enjoyed shooting those guns. I did okay, but more practice is definitely needed. We made a new friend on the range that had a couple of really LOUD revolvers, and we traded some shots on each other's weapons. It was a great night, and definitely something out of the ordinary for me. Of course, hubby and I didn't get to talk much, but we had fun, and it was nice to be without the kids for a block of time. I'm hoping to get to sign up for the Ladies Basic Pistol class and get my concealed carry permit. Not that I think I need to wear a gun, but it would definitely give me confidence to know I could take down someone who tried to hurt me or my kids.
All in all, really happy with how things are in life. My husband told me just today that he wants to make a concerted effort to be more of a spiritual leader in our home, and I'm excited about that as well. My goal in life is to honor God with what I do, and to demonstrate my faith in ways that the world can see. I fall down....A WHOLE LOT...but I know that God isn't going to give up on me even in my many mistakes, and it will be great to have my husband fulfill his role of a godly man and head of his family.
Nothing but good news here tonight!
MR
Measurements
I am hitting the gym every morning, and getting really hot, sweaty and nasty, but by the time I'm done, I'm okay with that. It gives me great appreciation for my morning shower! My routine has been 30 minutes on a treadmill doing an interval training program. I've increased .1 mph on both the low end (currrently 2.2 mph) and the high end (currently 3.7 mph) and will continue to do that until I'm sure that I can meet the time requirement of the Diva 5K in DC in September, which is 5K in 50 minutes. After the treadmill, I do a stationery bike program for about 20 minutes. While I'm trying to keep my heart rate to 117, I haven't been very good about that, so I'm staying in the "Basic" programs for now, because I don't like to see my heart rate above 145. I'm getting too old for that! Then yesterday, because I had church right after the gym, I did just 30 minutes on an elliptical trainer. But in those 30 minutes, I burned 300 calories!! I was floored to see that! I think that's going to be my standard Sunday workout for the time being. I also follow the 30-day workout challenge that I mentioned in my last post. After the first couple of days, the soreness has gotten better, and while I still am feeling my workouts after them, the pain is absolutely manageable. I feel great going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I am really proud of myself that I didn't let my illness derail my fledgling efforts.
On a note slightly off the weight loss topic, but still in keeping with the self-improvement, my husband and I went on a Date Night on Saturday. We went to a local shooting range - Colonial Shooting Academy, if anyone's interested - THEY'RE AWESOME! They were really friendly and very helpful. I hadn't been to a range in about fifteen years, when I "stole" (according to my dad) my grandfather's .357. I still contend that I won it fair and square, and that if he didn't want to give it to me, he shouldn't have offered it. Can I help it that I out-shot him and my big brother on the range? Anyway, I took that gun with us, and it was amazing to shoot it again. I remembered halfway through that the first time I was shooting .38 special rounds through it, and .357 rounds are quite a bit more explosive. I did pretty well, but Hubby out-shot ME this time. I didn't like being on the other side of the fence, and have slightly more sympathy for my dad than I used to. Hubby and I also rented a couple of .45 semi-autos. I have to say that semi-automatics make me nervous. The flying hot brass coming back at me scares me just a tiny bit, but I enjoyed shooting those guns. I did okay, but more practice is definitely needed. We made a new friend on the range that had a couple of really LOUD revolvers, and we traded some shots on each other's weapons. It was a great night, and definitely something out of the ordinary for me. Of course, hubby and I didn't get to talk much, but we had fun, and it was nice to be without the kids for a block of time. I'm hoping to get to sign up for the Ladies Basic Pistol class and get my concealed carry permit. Not that I think I need to wear a gun, but it would definitely give me confidence to know I could take down someone who tried to hurt me or my kids.
All in all, really happy with how things are in life. My husband told me just today that he wants to make a concerted effort to be more of a spiritual leader in our home, and I'm excited about that as well. My goal in life is to honor God with what I do, and to demonstrate my faith in ways that the world can see. I fall down....A WHOLE LOT...but I know that God isn't going to give up on me even in my many mistakes, and it will be great to have my husband fulfill his role of a godly man and head of his family.
Nothing but good news here tonight!
MR
Measurements
Neck - 15.5 in.- No Change
Bicep - 14.5 in. - No Change
Bust - 49.5 in. - (-1.5 inches)
Chest - 46 in. - (-1 inch)
Waist - 49.25 in. - (-.75 inches)
Hips - 57.5 in. - (+1.25 inches)
Thigh - 25 in. - (-2 inches)
Calf - 18.75 in. - (+.25 inches)
TOTAL CHANGE - (-3.75 inches)
WEIGHT - 262.2 (-15.2 pounds)
WEIGHT - 262.2 (-15.2 pounds)
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Oh yeah...I have thighs
I love the ladies at my Weight Watchers meeting. Even though I have to be out of the house by 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday to see them, I love them. They are the best, most supportive group of members I have ever come across, and BELIEVE me, there have been a lot along the way. This group has its own Facebook page, they go to race events together, they even have their own stinking t-shirts! I'm so blessed they've welcomed me into the fold.
As a part of my initiation, however, I have been introduced to the 30-Day Fitness challenge. Every month, these girls pick a calendar of exercises to do each day of the month. They seem deceptively benign at first glance, but as I have just found out, they are not for the faint of heart - or for that matter, the fat of ass. Yesterday was Day 1 of the newest challenge, and it seemed easy enough: 20 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 sit-ups, and 5 push-ups. I was so proud of myself for completing it, that I only barely noticed that my quads were a little wibbly when I got done. (Wibbly: a combination wiggly and wobbly, which is the perfect word for what I have going on.) Fast forward to this morning, when I attempted to jog across the parking lot after a kind motorist gave me the go ahead. I almost went down face-first on the pavement as those quads (not to mention hamstrings and gluts) are in a full-scale revolt. Seriously, I believe if they could leave my body, they'd be sitting in a surly pile on my brand new ottoman in the living room.
The best part of this story, though is yet to come. Remember that I said it's a DAILY challenge. That meant that today, there was more to be done. Never one to shirk from a challenge, I gamely pulled up the website and saw: 20 high knees, 10 lunges, 10-second plank, and 5 push-ups. The high knees actually felt pretty good because I got to stretch those tight, tight, tight hamstrings a bit. The lunges hurt like the dickens, and I'm pretty sure I will pay for them tomorrow. The plank, I'm humiliated to say was SO HARD. You wouldn't think that 10 seconds was a long time, but I really was concerned I wouldn't make it. Embarrassing, when just 10 years ago I could hold a plank for 4 minutes and shock my physical therapist. What has motherhood done to me? And the pushups were fine, but I fear my delts may be heading the same way as my leg muscles if I'm not careful.
There is more slated for tomorrow as well. If memory serves, I think it's a repeat of Day 1 with an extra pushup thrown in. I'm not telling my thighs about the squats or they really may just give up now, and I'll head to church in the morning a boneless chicken.
I'm really not trying to complain however. There's a part of me that is sore and grumpy, but the bigger part is sore and grateful to be so. I'm still missing the gym, as this plague is long-lasting and breath-reducing; I'm glad to be doing something physical to remind myself that the hiatus is only temporary. I did miss my Weight Watchers meeting today - overslept - bad me, but I did go and weigh in. Down another 2.6 pounds, which is awesome for a week that I couldn't work out and ate like crap. I didn't eat much, though, as my appetite was completely gone from the lack of a sense of smell or taste. I'm down a total of 11.2 pounds from where I began back in February, and pretty close to my first goal of 5% body weight lost, which is 14 pounds. I sent a note to my doc, and he was pretty happy with me too, and my latest biometric screening at work came back with amazing numbers that I was relieved to see. I love this tool that I found online a while ago. The picture on the left is what I'm shaped like now, and the picture on the right is me at goal. Pretty fabulous, isn't it?
None of this is easy, but it is necessary. It definitely seems easier this time than it has before. It might be my determination - my desire to at last get this ridiculous weight off my body. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. When I graduated high school, I weighed 220 pounds. A year later, after my first serious relationship crashed and burned I got down to 192. When I married my first husband, I was at 220 again, and when I left him I'd gained to almost 250. During my separation and moving out on my own, I got down to about 215, and it's been a steady climb over fifteen years to where I am now. I know that I purposely gained weight during my first marriage so that I wouldn't be attractive to the other men my husband kept trying to get me to sleep with (the joys of an "open" marriage), and I know that I gained weight as a teenager because food was my friend and constant companion when there weren't any people around. What I can't figure out is why I've allowed myself to gain over these last years that I've been with my current husband and supposedly happy. He's a good man, and we have a good life, but yet the weight has piled on just as before. Figuring that out is going to be the key to getting the weight off, and harder still keeping it off when I get there.
It's nice to know that while I'm figuring, I have a group of wonderful women to support me, and a burning in my major muscle groups to let me know I'm on the right track!
MR
As a part of my initiation, however, I have been introduced to the 30-Day Fitness challenge. Every month, these girls pick a calendar of exercises to do each day of the month. They seem deceptively benign at first glance, but as I have just found out, they are not for the faint of heart - or for that matter, the fat of ass. Yesterday was Day 1 of the newest challenge, and it seemed easy enough: 20 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 sit-ups, and 5 push-ups. I was so proud of myself for completing it, that I only barely noticed that my quads were a little wibbly when I got done. (Wibbly: a combination wiggly and wobbly, which is the perfect word for what I have going on.) Fast forward to this morning, when I attempted to jog across the parking lot after a kind motorist gave me the go ahead. I almost went down face-first on the pavement as those quads (not to mention hamstrings and gluts) are in a full-scale revolt. Seriously, I believe if they could leave my body, they'd be sitting in a surly pile on my brand new ottoman in the living room.
The best part of this story, though is yet to come. Remember that I said it's a DAILY challenge. That meant that today, there was more to be done. Never one to shirk from a challenge, I gamely pulled up the website and saw: 20 high knees, 10 lunges, 10-second plank, and 5 push-ups. The high knees actually felt pretty good because I got to stretch those tight, tight, tight hamstrings a bit. The lunges hurt like the dickens, and I'm pretty sure I will pay for them tomorrow. The plank, I'm humiliated to say was SO HARD. You wouldn't think that 10 seconds was a long time, but I really was concerned I wouldn't make it. Embarrassing, when just 10 years ago I could hold a plank for 4 minutes and shock my physical therapist. What has motherhood done to me? And the pushups were fine, but I fear my delts may be heading the same way as my leg muscles if I'm not careful.
There is more slated for tomorrow as well. If memory serves, I think it's a repeat of Day 1 with an extra pushup thrown in. I'm not telling my thighs about the squats or they really may just give up now, and I'll head to church in the morning a boneless chicken.
I'm really not trying to complain however. There's a part of me that is sore and grumpy, but the bigger part is sore and grateful to be so. I'm still missing the gym, as this plague is long-lasting and breath-reducing; I'm glad to be doing something physical to remind myself that the hiatus is only temporary. I did miss my Weight Watchers meeting today - overslept - bad me, but I did go and weigh in. Down another 2.6 pounds, which is awesome for a week that I couldn't work out and ate like crap. I didn't eat much, though, as my appetite was completely gone from the lack of a sense of smell or taste. I'm down a total of 11.2 pounds from where I began back in February, and pretty close to my first goal of 5% body weight lost, which is 14 pounds. I sent a note to my doc, and he was pretty happy with me too, and my latest biometric screening at work came back with amazing numbers that I was relieved to see. I love this tool that I found online a while ago. The picture on the left is what I'm shaped like now, and the picture on the right is me at goal. Pretty fabulous, isn't it?
None of this is easy, but it is necessary. It definitely seems easier this time than it has before. It might be my determination - my desire to at last get this ridiculous weight off my body. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. When I graduated high school, I weighed 220 pounds. A year later, after my first serious relationship crashed and burned I got down to 192. When I married my first husband, I was at 220 again, and when I left him I'd gained to almost 250. During my separation and moving out on my own, I got down to about 215, and it's been a steady climb over fifteen years to where I am now. I know that I purposely gained weight during my first marriage so that I wouldn't be attractive to the other men my husband kept trying to get me to sleep with (the joys of an "open" marriage), and I know that I gained weight as a teenager because food was my friend and constant companion when there weren't any people around. What I can't figure out is why I've allowed myself to gain over these last years that I've been with my current husband and supposedly happy. He's a good man, and we have a good life, but yet the weight has piled on just as before. Figuring that out is going to be the key to getting the weight off, and harder still keeping it off when I get there.
It's nice to know that while I'm figuring, I have a group of wonderful women to support me, and a burning in my major muscle groups to let me know I'm on the right track!
MR
Friday, May 8, 2015
Why does this ALWAYS happen?
Getting back to the gym is the best thing that's happened to me in a LONG time. I love knowing that I'm doing something good for my health, and by going so early in the morning, I'm not even awake enough to mind. Why then, do I always contract the plague a week into my new routine?
I'm SO MAD! As annoying as having a cold with a stuffy head is anyway, to have to stop exercising has really twisted my chain. I think this is the first time that I've been mad about it as opposed to complacent or just accepting of my fate and not going back. I'm happy that I miss it, and that I'm looking forward to going back. Those 5K's in September aren't going to speedwalk themselves, and I will be there getting spray painted and wearing tutu's and tiaras. How is that not fun?
I went to the doctor today and got some medicine to help me feel better, but I think there's more than my physical health that's bothering me. My day job is an absolute nightmare these days. I made the unfortunate decision to try to make things better for myself and my team, and it's blown up in my face. My boss has taken everything I was responsible for away from me, and I have nothing to focus on. It's rough, and I'm trying to hang on long enough to find a new role somewhere close by, but it isn't easy. I end every day cranky, exhausted and unhappy. Then, I have to pick up the boys, and do the single mom thing for a couple of hours until hubby gets home. Hubby helps put the little ones to bed, and then he zones out to relax from his day. Not a whole lot of quality time happening right now, and that's disappointing.
I've been visiting my therapist frequently, and she tells me that my life right now is pretty typical for a woman in her late 30s with little kids, but holy crap, this is rough. I dream about running away from home, but where would I go? I love my men, the big one and the two littles. I just have a very active mind that likes to remember simpler times when there were no responsibilities and nothing on the calendar. There are times when I long to go back to that, and I'm in the middle of one of those times. It's not a great place for my head to be, and I pray that as I feel better, the desire to escape will recede and I can get back to my life of good wife, happy mommy, and fulfilled employee.
Meanwhile, I'm just going to go back to bed with my Afrin, tissues, and Advil and pray for a better day tomorrow.
I'm SO MAD! As annoying as having a cold with a stuffy head is anyway, to have to stop exercising has really twisted my chain. I think this is the first time that I've been mad about it as opposed to complacent or just accepting of my fate and not going back. I'm happy that I miss it, and that I'm looking forward to going back. Those 5K's in September aren't going to speedwalk themselves, and I will be there getting spray painted and wearing tutu's and tiaras. How is that not fun?
I went to the doctor today and got some medicine to help me feel better, but I think there's more than my physical health that's bothering me. My day job is an absolute nightmare these days. I made the unfortunate decision to try to make things better for myself and my team, and it's blown up in my face. My boss has taken everything I was responsible for away from me, and I have nothing to focus on. It's rough, and I'm trying to hang on long enough to find a new role somewhere close by, but it isn't easy. I end every day cranky, exhausted and unhappy. Then, I have to pick up the boys, and do the single mom thing for a couple of hours until hubby gets home. Hubby helps put the little ones to bed, and then he zones out to relax from his day. Not a whole lot of quality time happening right now, and that's disappointing.
I've been visiting my therapist frequently, and she tells me that my life right now is pretty typical for a woman in her late 30s with little kids, but holy crap, this is rough. I dream about running away from home, but where would I go? I love my men, the big one and the two littles. I just have a very active mind that likes to remember simpler times when there were no responsibilities and nothing on the calendar. There are times when I long to go back to that, and I'm in the middle of one of those times. It's not a great place for my head to be, and I pray that as I feel better, the desire to escape will recede and I can get back to my life of good wife, happy mommy, and fulfilled employee.
Meanwhile, I'm just going to go back to bed with my Afrin, tissues, and Advil and pray for a better day tomorrow.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Back in the saddle (well, bike seat) again
It's been a good week from where I sit. Today was my weigh-in day (even though I technically did it yesterday), and I'm down 8.6 pounds from where I started back at the end of February. I didn't really start doing the program again until last week, though, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. Down 6.6 pounds from the first of April, so if I can keep this pace up, about eighteen months from now, I should be at goal, and quite a bit smaller than I am now.
The biggest thing I did differently this week was to head back to the gym. It's so funny, and it seems so simple, that to get back to the gym all you have to do is go there. And while in practical application that's true, there's a head game that goes on with it as well, somehow because I rejoined the gym back in February. Why did it take me nearly three months to head back? The best I can tell is that I didn't want it before this past week. I said I did, and maybe even I thought I did, but, clearly, I didn't until I really did. I feel like I'm writing in circles, and honestly, that's the way it is in my head too. The same impulse that told me I was ready to go back to the gym is also responsible for me feeling like makeup and curl care are again part of my daily routine. The strangest part is that I don't know where this feeling came from or why now. I may never understand the difference between what I want, and what I think I want, but the main idea of *this* paragraph is that I'm back doing the things that I know I need to do to be successful.
Because I don't understand, and because I don't know where the impulses originate, I'm meeting back with my therapist who specializes in additions (perfect for me!), and spending a lot more devoted time in the Bible. I do pray for wisdom and insight through this journey, and that God will show me what I need to see as long as it will get me to my goals. Maybe, however, discernment would get in the way at this stage, and I'll know more at the end than I do now at the beginning.
Interestingly, I came across this blog post this morning. (I hope it's okay that I linked to it, and if not, I hope that the woman who wrote it will let me know!) For some reason, I am really struck by how this woman feels. My current pictures look much more like her old ones, so when I read how she feels looking back, it's very right-now for me.
The biggest thing I did differently this week was to head back to the gym. It's so funny, and it seems so simple, that to get back to the gym all you have to do is go there. And while in practical application that's true, there's a head game that goes on with it as well, somehow because I rejoined the gym back in February. Why did it take me nearly three months to head back? The best I can tell is that I didn't want it before this past week. I said I did, and maybe even I thought I did, but, clearly, I didn't until I really did. I feel like I'm writing in circles, and honestly, that's the way it is in my head too. The same impulse that told me I was ready to go back to the gym is also responsible for me feeling like makeup and curl care are again part of my daily routine. The strangest part is that I don't know where this feeling came from or why now. I may never understand the difference between what I want, and what I think I want, but the main idea of *this* paragraph is that I'm back doing the things that I know I need to do to be successful.
Because I don't understand, and because I don't know where the impulses originate, I'm meeting back with my therapist who specializes in additions (perfect for me!), and spending a lot more devoted time in the Bible. I do pray for wisdom and insight through this journey, and that God will show me what I need to see as long as it will get me to my goals. Maybe, however, discernment would get in the way at this stage, and I'll know more at the end than I do now at the beginning.
Interestingly, I came across this blog post this morning. (I hope it's okay that I linked to it, and if not, I hope that the woman who wrote it will let me know!) For some reason, I am really struck by how this woman feels. My current pictures look much more like her old ones, so when I read how she feels looking back, it's very right-now for me.
I look at me … past vs. present. That is me. All of those pictures are of me. People say they do not recognize the girl in the other pictures. I’m here to say: that girl is me.Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already.Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different.Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not.She’s me.
I think I need more time to process this further, but my initial feeling when reading this was, this is how I feel about myself now. I am not a circus side-show, no matter if I look like I need a tent-maker to design my clothes. I worry about people noticing me starting to lose weight, because in the past when they have, I've run right back to food to get my comfort layer of blubber back on. I know I need to change my head through this process too, and that somehow I have to get beyond our sex-centered culture, my personal history with mean people who didn't value me, and perhaps hardest of all, myself and 38 years of damaging scripts replaying in my photographic memory. And if this woman, who is now, by all physical accounts, "better", struggles with this, the road I'm on is apparently going to get bumpier than I even imagined.
Good thing I'm working out, and remembering how to take care of myself in the falls.
MR
Sunday, April 26, 2015
About that getting started back in August thing....
It didn't happen. 'Nuff said.
I am not going to beat myself up about what hasn't been done, or what I should have been doing, or the reasons why things weren't getting done. This is where I am today.
I joined Weight Watchers about 8 weeks ago, and am down about 10 pounds from when I started back, but really it's about where I was last year. My current weight is 271.2, and I'll take that! I took my measurements again tonight, and will post them at the bottom of the screen like before just to see how set-back I am. I'm going to be kind to myself though, and move forward from here.
A friend mentioned that she wants to start doing 5k's and asked if I'd like to join her. So, I have an initial goal of being ready for the Color Run here in Richmond on 9/19. I don't know if I'm going to run it, as I don't think my knees would appreciate that very much, but powerwalking is definitely an option. So thanks to Couch to 5K, my training regiment starts tomorrow.
My last conversation with my doctor was enlightening. He told me that the liklihood of my experiencing a life-threatening event in the next ten years is astronomical. My oldest child, A, is only 6, so ten years from now, he'll only be sixteen. He needs his mom, and so does his little brother. I'm tired of hiding in this too-big body, afraid of what will happen if I'm thin. Life is only moving in one direction - I'm getting older, and the fun things are passing me by.
Time to pick up from where I left off, and keep it moving.
MR
Measurements
Neck - 15.5 in.
Bicep - 14.5 in.
Bust - 51 in.
Chest - 46 in.
Waist - 50 in.
Hips - 56.25 in.
Thigh - 27 in.
Calf - 18.5 in.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Bumps in the Road, and Blessings
Well, it's been a long time, and those who know me won't be surprised. A lot has happened since my last post, so consider this an update and picking up where I left off.
In my last post I mentioned that my back had flared up and that I thought it was from being sick and sleeping a lot. Turns out, my trainer, who I thought was doing me so much good, set my back recovery back a good 3 months. Did you know that if you do power moves in the gym it puts pressure on the cerebrospinal fluid in your back? And that pressure causes inflammation, and inflammation causes pain? I didn't either, and paid the price. From now on, my gym workouts will consist of me, cardio equipment, and anything that my surgeon tells me specifically is okay. I haven't been back to the scene of the crime to complain, because really it was my own ignorance that got me in trouble. While he should have, as a trained professional known better, I should have been strong enough to say "no, that hurts", and I didn't, so...lesson learned.
After the bronchitis, my entire family got hit with the norovirus plague that hit our city with a vengeance. I got the worst of it, and ended up in the hospital getting IV fluids and Zofran. I'm so blessed that I have a job where I can work from home, because if that wasn't the case, this illness would have put an end to my career. My older son, A, also had a pretty tough time, as it turns out his tummy isn't built quite right, and he ended up on acid reducers for 2 months, along with a couple of trips to a pediatric gastroenterologist. You know it's a bad bug when Lysol, alcohol and straight bleach don't manage to kill it. When I get to heaven, God and I are going to have to have a long conversation about the reason for norovirus. Along with ticks, maggots, the Holocaust, and a long list of other things that I don't understand.
Speaking of work, I also was (finally) hired as a full-time employee at my company. I'd been a contractor for 18 months, and was deeply entrenched in my program. I was really hoping not to have to leave (required after 24 months), and my boss is wonderful and amazing and tireless, and finally brought me on board. So, I'm an employee again!!! With Benefits!!! And time off!!!!! I love my job, I love my company, and I'm so, so grateful to God that the praying and more praying finally resulted in this. One of the perks is an on-site gym, so I'll be able to get back to it starting tomorrow.
Which leads me to the plan forward. When I left off in March, my weight was right at 273 and some ounces. During the stomach apocalypse, I'd gotten down to about 260, but I knew that wasn't real weight loss, as I was pretty sure my tonsils, appendix, a few hangnails, and it felt like the vast majority of my brain cells were lost in addition to any weight. Right now, I'm at 272, so I'm glad that my complete lack of effort on the weight loss front hasn't sent me back to the 280's. I, of course, was hoping to be farther along, but I'll take not have to re-lose what I already did.
So, starting tomorrow, there will be food journaling, and exercising, and hopefully a more steady blog presence.
Thanks for reading and here we go again!!
MR
In my last post I mentioned that my back had flared up and that I thought it was from being sick and sleeping a lot. Turns out, my trainer, who I thought was doing me so much good, set my back recovery back a good 3 months. Did you know that if you do power moves in the gym it puts pressure on the cerebrospinal fluid in your back? And that pressure causes inflammation, and inflammation causes pain? I didn't either, and paid the price. From now on, my gym workouts will consist of me, cardio equipment, and anything that my surgeon tells me specifically is okay. I haven't been back to the scene of the crime to complain, because really it was my own ignorance that got me in trouble. While he should have, as a trained professional known better, I should have been strong enough to say "no, that hurts", and I didn't, so...lesson learned.
After the bronchitis, my entire family got hit with the norovirus plague that hit our city with a vengeance. I got the worst of it, and ended up in the hospital getting IV fluids and Zofran. I'm so blessed that I have a job where I can work from home, because if that wasn't the case, this illness would have put an end to my career. My older son, A, also had a pretty tough time, as it turns out his tummy isn't built quite right, and he ended up on acid reducers for 2 months, along with a couple of trips to a pediatric gastroenterologist. You know it's a bad bug when Lysol, alcohol and straight bleach don't manage to kill it. When I get to heaven, God and I are going to have to have a long conversation about the reason for norovirus. Along with ticks, maggots, the Holocaust, and a long list of other things that I don't understand.
Speaking of work, I also was (finally) hired as a full-time employee at my company. I'd been a contractor for 18 months, and was deeply entrenched in my program. I was really hoping not to have to leave (required after 24 months), and my boss is wonderful and amazing and tireless, and finally brought me on board. So, I'm an employee again!!! With Benefits!!! And time off!!!!! I love my job, I love my company, and I'm so, so grateful to God that the praying and more praying finally resulted in this. One of the perks is an on-site gym, so I'll be able to get back to it starting tomorrow.
Which leads me to the plan forward. When I left off in March, my weight was right at 273 and some ounces. During the stomach apocalypse, I'd gotten down to about 260, but I knew that wasn't real weight loss, as I was pretty sure my tonsils, appendix, a few hangnails, and it felt like the vast majority of my brain cells were lost in addition to any weight. Right now, I'm at 272, so I'm glad that my complete lack of effort on the weight loss front hasn't sent me back to the 280's. I, of course, was hoping to be farther along, but I'll take not have to re-lose what I already did.
So, starting tomorrow, there will be food journaling, and exercising, and hopefully a more steady blog presence.
Thanks for reading and here we go again!!
MR
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Post-Plague Ponderings
It's been two long weeks of a cold and bronchitis and a back flare up that for a while had me scared I was headed back to the St. Francis surgery wing. I got back to the gym Thursday and Friday of this week (Side Note: a random guy that works out the same time I do noticed I was back and said "In the few weeks I've known you, you're looking better and doing great. Keep it up." Really, really made my day!), and worked out with a DVD tonight, but the diet has been absolute crap since I got sick, and I haven't been keeping up with my water. I'm really mad at myself, but trying to be gentle and forgiving and to fix what's wrong.
So, to that end, here's my analysis of the plague of 2014, and my goals and plans for the next time some opportunistic little bugger decides to pick a fight with my immune system.
Water - I haven't been drinking as much as I should, mainly because I've been sleeping, and coughing most of the time. This week, I'm going to go back to basics and start putting rubber bands back on my water bottle. For those of you unfamiliar with this method, I'll explain. For each glass of water you want to drink in a day, you put one rubber band around the container that you drink out of. As you finish each container-full, you remove a rubber band. At the end of the day, your container should be rubber-band free, and your body completely hydrated. My standard container holds 16 oz, so I'll be putting 6 rubber bands on it, to set a goal of 96 oz. per day. That's more than what most people recommend, but because I'm so heavy, my fluid needs are greater than someone of average size.
Exercise - This was the first thing to go when I got sick, but only because I couldn't breathe. Both my trainer and my doctor agreed that I needed to rest and heal before picking up my plan again. Having said that, I probably should have made more of an effort to keep moving around, even if it was at a slower pace, and not really burning anything. Laying still for 10 days did a horrible thing to my back, and it's been very slow and painful to get it back to anything remotely close to normal. My trainers are wonderful, and they've given me some stretches to do before I get up, and when I do them, it does help. I've also been back to the chiropractor and he's working on me too. He recommended that I try inversion therapy (hanging upside down by my ankles - or doing headstands -yeah, right), so I ordered a table and we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling that's going to be a blog post all by itself, because it's either going to be a completely hysterical bust, or the best thing I've ever done for my long-abused lower back. This week I'm also going to be going back to my normal workout schedule, and shooting for 4 hours of cardio in addition to my training sessions at the gym.
Diet - I gave in to the ease and convenience of fast food while I was ill. I know better, and this is the thing that I'm having the hardest time forgiving myself for. I don't yet have a strategy for how to do this better next time, because when I'm sick, I don't really feel like going to the grocery store or preparing healthy, delicious meals for me and my family. It could just be a case of sucking it up and doing it anyway, but more research is needed on solutions for taking care of the nutritional needs of a family while feeling like complete poop. This week, we're back on track though. I've got my journal app all fired up, chicken marinating in the fridge, and more in the crock pot, and a grocery list made out for Wednesday when I get paid again.
Medicine - I've not mentioned this before, but I have chronic anxiety disorder with depression, and I take an SSRI to help me deal with life. I have to say, I love this medicine, and the way it gave me my life back and allows me to be present in my family's life. I don't take a ridiculously high dosage, and I'm at the point in my recovery that I recognize my body just needs a little help with its serotonin. At my last weight check with my doctor, he told me that with the increased exercise I was doing, he felt like we could lower my dosage of medicine, since exercise increases serotonin production. We cut the dosage in half, but immediately after that, I got sick, so I couldn't work out. I put myself back on the higher dosage until I correct my workout gaps, because even for the short time I was on the lower dose, I felt it, and that's not at all where I need to be. My goal here is to workout enough that the lower dose works great, however, this is one I'm willing to take super slowly because Crazy Red isn't good for anyone!
Thanks for reading!
MR
Month 2 measurements
273.4 pounds - (-6 pounds)
Neck - 15.5 inches - (-1.25 inches)*
Upper Arm - 14.75 inches (-.25 inches)
Chest - 49.5 inches (-1.25 inches)
Waist - 48 inches (-2.5 inches)
Hips - 56.5 inches (-.75 inches)
Thigh - 27.5 inches (No change)
Calf - 19 inches (-.75 inches)*
Overall change - 6 pounds, 6.75 inches lost
* Might not be right, as the first month I measured myself, and couldn't see what I was doing.
So, to that end, here's my analysis of the plague of 2014, and my goals and plans for the next time some opportunistic little bugger decides to pick a fight with my immune system.
Water - I haven't been drinking as much as I should, mainly because I've been sleeping, and coughing most of the time. This week, I'm going to go back to basics and start putting rubber bands back on my water bottle. For those of you unfamiliar with this method, I'll explain. For each glass of water you want to drink in a day, you put one rubber band around the container that you drink out of. As you finish each container-full, you remove a rubber band. At the end of the day, your container should be rubber-band free, and your body completely hydrated. My standard container holds 16 oz, so I'll be putting 6 rubber bands on it, to set a goal of 96 oz. per day. That's more than what most people recommend, but because I'm so heavy, my fluid needs are greater than someone of average size.
Exercise - This was the first thing to go when I got sick, but only because I couldn't breathe. Both my trainer and my doctor agreed that I needed to rest and heal before picking up my plan again. Having said that, I probably should have made more of an effort to keep moving around, even if it was at a slower pace, and not really burning anything. Laying still for 10 days did a horrible thing to my back, and it's been very slow and painful to get it back to anything remotely close to normal. My trainers are wonderful, and they've given me some stretches to do before I get up, and when I do them, it does help. I've also been back to the chiropractor and he's working on me too. He recommended that I try inversion therapy (hanging upside down by my ankles - or doing headstands -yeah, right), so I ordered a table and we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling that's going to be a blog post all by itself, because it's either going to be a completely hysterical bust, or the best thing I've ever done for my long-abused lower back. This week I'm also going to be going back to my normal workout schedule, and shooting for 4 hours of cardio in addition to my training sessions at the gym.
Diet - I gave in to the ease and convenience of fast food while I was ill. I know better, and this is the thing that I'm having the hardest time forgiving myself for. I don't yet have a strategy for how to do this better next time, because when I'm sick, I don't really feel like going to the grocery store or preparing healthy, delicious meals for me and my family. It could just be a case of sucking it up and doing it anyway, but more research is needed on solutions for taking care of the nutritional needs of a family while feeling like complete poop. This week, we're back on track though. I've got my journal app all fired up, chicken marinating in the fridge, and more in the crock pot, and a grocery list made out for Wednesday when I get paid again.
Medicine - I've not mentioned this before, but I have chronic anxiety disorder with depression, and I take an SSRI to help me deal with life. I have to say, I love this medicine, and the way it gave me my life back and allows me to be present in my family's life. I don't take a ridiculously high dosage, and I'm at the point in my recovery that I recognize my body just needs a little help with its serotonin. At my last weight check with my doctor, he told me that with the increased exercise I was doing, he felt like we could lower my dosage of medicine, since exercise increases serotonin production. We cut the dosage in half, but immediately after that, I got sick, so I couldn't work out. I put myself back on the higher dosage until I correct my workout gaps, because even for the short time I was on the lower dose, I felt it, and that's not at all where I need to be. My goal here is to workout enough that the lower dose works great, however, this is one I'm willing to take super slowly because Crazy Red isn't good for anyone!
Thanks for reading!
MR
Month 2 measurements
273.4 pounds - (-6 pounds)
Neck - 15.5 inches - (-1.25 inches)*
Upper Arm - 14.75 inches (-.25 inches)
Chest - 49.5 inches (-1.25 inches)
Waist - 48 inches (-2.5 inches)
Hips - 56.5 inches (-.75 inches)
Thigh - 27.5 inches (No change)
Calf - 19 inches (-.75 inches)*
Overall change - 6 pounds, 6.75 inches lost
* Might not be right, as the first month I measured myself, and couldn't see what I was doing.
Monday, February 17, 2014
A Living Sacrifice
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a
living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1
This verse appeared in my Facebook news feed while I was entrenched in the battle of the scale several weeks ago. I have a lot of wonderful Facebook friends, many of whom are strong Christian ladies, and their encouragement from Scripture always seems to find me at just the right time. This particular verse really made me think and get my focus back on what's really important during this whole weight loss adventure I'm on.
In the Old Testament of the Bible, the animals that were sacrificed had to meet certain specifications. They had to be as close to perfect as possible in order to be considered worthy enough for the sacrifice to our Lord. Knowing that got me thinking. If I am to present myself as a living sacrifice, shouldn't I be working towards being the best I can be, and without blemish or stain so that I can be called worthy to be in the presence of God?
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know that I will NEVER be worthy enough, and I know that I can't earn my way into the Lord's presence. He chose to save me while I was still a sinner, unclean, and living about as far from Him as a human being can get. The redeeming blood of Jesus Christ is the only thing that I can count on for my eternal salvation, and I did nothing and can never do anything even now to "deserve" that. But, having said that, shouldn't I be striving to be as worthy as I humanly can? If Jesus lives in my heart, as I believe he does, shouldn't the body that holds the heart be as healthy and as "good" as possible? By changing my focus from the selfish desires of the flesh (being able to climb stairs, wearing clothes not made by a tent-maker, making my kids proud), no matter how nice they might be, to the Lord I have given my life to, all of the effort becomes if not easy, at least, meaningful.
This whole concept was lived out for me the last time I was in the middle of a difficult workout. I was on an elliptical machine, and working very hard, sweaty, tired, sore legs, you name it, and I thought about calling it a day. I did 20 minutes, what does it matter if I didn't complete the workout. Who would know? Well, aside from myself, and the guilt I would carry from not achieving what I set out to, God would know. And in the middle of that thought, the lyrics from one of my favorite songs popped into my head:
I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength. I don't have to be strong enough...
He's strong enough, for the both of us. Matthew West
As soon as I realized again that God had all the strength I needed, I just kept on going. I swear it was Him who finished that workout, and not my tired body, but either way, it got done! I want to honor Him, and he will give me everything I need in order to do that. It's pretty amazing in that way!
I've always said that I have a long way to go on this road of weight loss and getting healthy, and now it turns out it may be longer than I thought. Until I take my last breath, I will be striving to make myself a sacrifice to the Lord. The good news is, He is with me while I do it, and I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
MR
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Chocolate Cake is NOT the Enemy (aka The Scale Moved)
I feel it necessary to post again so soon after my last just to say, Praise be to God, the scale is stuck no more! I'm down a total of 12.2 pounds since the beginning of all of this, and am feeling great! Still have the sore back and am walking like a duck, but it's easier to do that on THIS side of the scale than the other.
I must confess that after I finished my workout last night, Sonic was calling my name, and I did purchase and eat the Sonic Molten Chocolate Banana Split Sundae Cake. Now, before all of my supporters roll their eyes and leave this blog forever, please hear me out. Before I ate said cake, I calculated the Weight Watchers Points for it (gone back to the WW method, it's easier to count to 42 than 2000) so I knew exactly how much damage I'd be doing. I had the points available without overdrawing my budget, so I went ahead. Also, as I was eating it, I asked myself after every bite, "Do I want more of this?" The answer was always yes, but I was extremely happy to be eating in the moment, and in control of what I put into my mouth. I enjoyed every bite of that chocolate disaster, and I must say, it was worth every STINKING one of the TWENTY points it took out of my allowance.
Admittedly, even though I didn't want there to be, there was a little bit of guilt about it, and I was a bit afraid of the scale this morning. However, L has gotten used to seeing me haul my chubby behind out of bed and straight onto the metal and glass torture device. It would have rocked his tiny little Type A world if I had changed this part of the morning routine, and I didn't want to leave my husband to deal with a fried toddler brain while I went skipping (more like staggering..it was 6:30AM) off to the gym. And what do you know? 273.8 - A new low!!! Woohoo!!!!
So, what have I learned from this? I've learned that the scale is not the most important thing. I've learned that chocolate cake (IN MODERATION) will not completely destroy my results, and eating it mindfully will actually kill a craving in record time. I've learned that going to the gym actually makes me feel better, and my body doesn't hurt anywhere near as much after I workout than if I don't.
I'm sure this isn't the last time I will be frustrated that this isn't going as well or as fast as I'd like it to, and so I think that God is also using this to continue his work on my patience. My goal is complete surrender to what I know is God-honoring in this (treating my body like His temple) and not focusing on any of the earthly stuff. I'm not there yet, but I pray that I can get there without another object lesson in a stubborn scale.
MR
I must confess that after I finished my workout last night, Sonic was calling my name, and I did purchase and eat the Sonic Molten Chocolate Banana Split Sundae Cake. Now, before all of my supporters roll their eyes and leave this blog forever, please hear me out. Before I ate said cake, I calculated the Weight Watchers Points for it (gone back to the WW method, it's easier to count to 42 than 2000) so I knew exactly how much damage I'd be doing. I had the points available without overdrawing my budget, so I went ahead. Also, as I was eating it, I asked myself after every bite, "Do I want more of this?" The answer was always yes, but I was extremely happy to be eating in the moment, and in control of what I put into my mouth. I enjoyed every bite of that chocolate disaster, and I must say, it was worth every STINKING one of the TWENTY points it took out of my allowance.
Admittedly, even though I didn't want there to be, there was a little bit of guilt about it, and I was a bit afraid of the scale this morning. However, L has gotten used to seeing me haul my chubby behind out of bed and straight onto the metal and glass torture device. It would have rocked his tiny little Type A world if I had changed this part of the morning routine, and I didn't want to leave my husband to deal with a fried toddler brain while I went skipping (more like staggering..it was 6:30AM) off to the gym. And what do you know? 273.8 - A new low!!! Woohoo!!!!
So, what have I learned from this? I've learned that the scale is not the most important thing. I've learned that chocolate cake (IN MODERATION) will not completely destroy my results, and eating it mindfully will actually kill a craving in record time. I've learned that going to the gym actually makes me feel better, and my body doesn't hurt anywhere near as much after I workout than if I don't.
I'm sure this isn't the last time I will be frustrated that this isn't going as well or as fast as I'd like it to, and so I think that God is also using this to continue his work on my patience. My goal is complete surrender to what I know is God-honoring in this (treating my body like His temple) and not focusing on any of the earthly stuff. I'm not there yet, but I pray that I can get there without another object lesson in a stubborn scale.
MR
Sunday, February 2, 2014
I hate my &%(@#$&( Scale - otherwise known as the mid-month 1 update
I'm in a very bad mood tonight.
I should qualify this by stating that I'm sick with some kind of energy-draining cold thing, and my body is still really sore during this adjustment period of exercise.
However...even given those qualifications, I'm still in a very bad mood. The scale has shown me up FIVE pounds since I started working out. The consensus from my doctor, trainers, and Google seems to be that there is a lot of inflammation in my body as I'm tearing and rebuilding muscle mass, and water is surrounding the muscles as they heal. Water weighs a lot, so it shows up on the scale. The logical part of my brain understands this hypothesis, but, the fat girl looking for results is pretty ticked off.
In addition to the weight "gain", I've also been experiencing back pain for the past few days, caused by, I'm sure, the increased activity. For those who've never experienced a complete herniation of a disk in the lumbar spine, I won't be able to explain the pain of that in a way that will accurately describe that feeling, but, I'll try. When I herniated my disk, I was unable to do anything but lie flat on my back in bed. I was taking morphine and Valium every 4 hours, just to keep the pain tolerable. It took me 4 or 5 attempts to go to the bathroom, because the pain was so bad I couldn't sit. I'm so grateful that I had surgery to remove the disk material, and I get a little freaked when my back or leg starts to ache, because I can't imagine going through all of that again. So far, working out and stretching has helped it, but it does tighten up as I slow down at the end of the day. I'm hoping that this painfulness is also temporary as my body gets used to the increased activity.
I'm so frustrated. I made the decision to have surgery to improve my health, only to find out that the surgery would be very detrimental to my health due to my allergies. So, I regrouped and made the decision to do this the old fashioned way - controlled diet and exercise and I GAIN weight. My husband, who I know would have taken great care of me after surgery is starting to show signs of being tired of my leaving the house to work out or checking out from the kids so I can plan menus, and doesn't seem to understand the back pain caused by exercise. I feel like because I'm doing this the "normal" way, I'm somehow not able to get what I need in the way of support. It's been a really difficult week.
But, what can I do but just keep going? If I stop now, I'll still be unhealthy and fat, and probably continue to gain weight and put myself at risk of terrifying complications. My kids will be teased for their "fat mom", and I won't be able to play with them or interact in the way I want to. I don't want to stop, but going forward at this point just seems so hopeless.
There is some good news from today. I did get to play outside with my boys after weeks of freezing cold weather. We played walking tag (since running at my size is really dangerous for my knees), and hide and seek and there were lots of giggles and happy little boy faces. That was a lot of fun! Also, I did go back to the gym today (took yesterday off due to the plague), and did a couple of things I hadn't done in a while. Took a four and a half mile stationary bike ride and swam some laps. I forgot how much I like to swim as a form of exercise. It's great...I don't notice the sweat, and because of that, I can work longer in the water than on land. I have no idea how many calories I burn doing it, but, I'm sure it's better than sitting at home watching football.
I guess that'll be my takeaway for now. Even if I don't lose another ounce. Even if the pain continues to be uncomfortable. Quitting isn't the answer, but I think I need to change my expectations. Maybe I can't look ahead to what the outcome of all this work may be. Maybe the point is just that I do what I know to be right. Success would certainly be easier to come by if it was just a matter of tracking what I eat and exercising, I just don't know if I can wrap my head around not expecting anything to come of it. However, all expecting results is doing for me now is disappointing me. I think the answer is changing my focus and leaving the result up to God.
MR
Side Note-Month 1 measurements
279.4 pounds
Neck - 16.75 inches
Upper Arm - 15 inches
Chest - 50.75 inches
Waist - 50.5 inches
Hips - 57.25 inches
Thigh - 27.5 inches
Calf - 19.75 inches
I should qualify this by stating that I'm sick with some kind of energy-draining cold thing, and my body is still really sore during this adjustment period of exercise.
However...even given those qualifications, I'm still in a very bad mood. The scale has shown me up FIVE pounds since I started working out. The consensus from my doctor, trainers, and Google seems to be that there is a lot of inflammation in my body as I'm tearing and rebuilding muscle mass, and water is surrounding the muscles as they heal. Water weighs a lot, so it shows up on the scale. The logical part of my brain understands this hypothesis, but, the fat girl looking for results is pretty ticked off.
In addition to the weight "gain", I've also been experiencing back pain for the past few days, caused by, I'm sure, the increased activity. For those who've never experienced a complete herniation of a disk in the lumbar spine, I won't be able to explain the pain of that in a way that will accurately describe that feeling, but, I'll try. When I herniated my disk, I was unable to do anything but lie flat on my back in bed. I was taking morphine and Valium every 4 hours, just to keep the pain tolerable. It took me 4 or 5 attempts to go to the bathroom, because the pain was so bad I couldn't sit. I'm so grateful that I had surgery to remove the disk material, and I get a little freaked when my back or leg starts to ache, because I can't imagine going through all of that again. So far, working out and stretching has helped it, but it does tighten up as I slow down at the end of the day. I'm hoping that this painfulness is also temporary as my body gets used to the increased activity.
I'm so frustrated. I made the decision to have surgery to improve my health, only to find out that the surgery would be very detrimental to my health due to my allergies. So, I regrouped and made the decision to do this the old fashioned way - controlled diet and exercise and I GAIN weight. My husband, who I know would have taken great care of me after surgery is starting to show signs of being tired of my leaving the house to work out or checking out from the kids so I can plan menus, and doesn't seem to understand the back pain caused by exercise. I feel like because I'm doing this the "normal" way, I'm somehow not able to get what I need in the way of support. It's been a really difficult week.
But, what can I do but just keep going? If I stop now, I'll still be unhealthy and fat, and probably continue to gain weight and put myself at risk of terrifying complications. My kids will be teased for their "fat mom", and I won't be able to play with them or interact in the way I want to. I don't want to stop, but going forward at this point just seems so hopeless.
There is some good news from today. I did get to play outside with my boys after weeks of freezing cold weather. We played walking tag (since running at my size is really dangerous for my knees), and hide and seek and there were lots of giggles and happy little boy faces. That was a lot of fun! Also, I did go back to the gym today (took yesterday off due to the plague), and did a couple of things I hadn't done in a while. Took a four and a half mile stationary bike ride and swam some laps. I forgot how much I like to swim as a form of exercise. It's great...I don't notice the sweat, and because of that, I can work longer in the water than on land. I have no idea how many calories I burn doing it, but, I'm sure it's better than sitting at home watching football.
I guess that'll be my takeaway for now. Even if I don't lose another ounce. Even if the pain continues to be uncomfortable. Quitting isn't the answer, but I think I need to change my expectations. Maybe I can't look ahead to what the outcome of all this work may be. Maybe the point is just that I do what I know to be right. Success would certainly be easier to come by if it was just a matter of tracking what I eat and exercising, I just don't know if I can wrap my head around not expecting anything to come of it. However, all expecting results is doing for me now is disappointing me. I think the answer is changing my focus and leaving the result up to God.
MR
Side Note-Month 1 measurements
279.4 pounds
Neck - 16.75 inches
Upper Arm - 15 inches
Chest - 50.75 inches
Waist - 50.5 inches
Hips - 57.25 inches
Thigh - 27.5 inches
Calf - 19.75 inches
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Knuckle-Dragging Neanderthals and other Recently Encountered Species
As alluded to in my previous post, I have joined a gym. The YMCA, to be exact. As I type this, my fingers are the only parts of my body that are not screaming with indignation with what I have put my body through this past week. To date, I have met with my personal trainer twice and hit a yoga class. That might not sound like much, but, given that up until now, I've been a Class 1 Couch Potato, this is a significant increase in the amount of activity I've performed.
The name of this post comes from my aforementioned trainer, as this is how he described himself to me over the phone the first time we spoke to set up our introductory appointment. To say I was apprehensive to meet him would be a tremendous understatement.But, he turned out to be a perfectly normal guy who lives inside a very fit body. To date, I have not perceived any knuckle dragging, club wielding, grunting, or an overabundance of dark matted hair. The first session was an assessment to see my level of fitness, and I don't blame him for that. All he knew of me was that I had 120 pounds to lose and had back surgery less than a year ago. After the assessment, he seemed pretty pleased, and actually told me that I move better than some people half my age that he's trained!!!! Apparently, my body's muscle memory is really good, and all those years I put in at the dance studio have paid off. My flexibility stinks, but balance and kinesthetic awareness are intact. That's good news in one sense, as I haven't squandered all of the good health God's blessed me with. However, it does mean that he feels perfectly fine with pushing me to my limits, knowing that I'm not going to fall apart if he does. I plan to continue to work with him for the foreseeable future, and have great confidence that he'll get me fit, even if it's against my will!
I'm also grateful to the gym for introducing me to another person who has been a virtual myth to me for a lot of years. This would be the Motivated Husband. Now, in fairness, my husband is an amazing provider and father. He picks up the slack for me more times than I can even do justice to here, and I don't know if any two kids are as loved by their daddies as mine are. If so, they are blessed children indeed. My only complaint with him is that he procrastinates when it comes to cleaning up and going through all of the stuff (read; junk) he brought into our relationship. Yesterday, I went to the gym and took my two boys with me. I love that the Y has activities for the little people while their parents are working out. A and L had a great time playing with new friends, running around and swimming in the pool (I went with them there), and I got to work on my flexibility knowing they were okay and busy. While we were gone, my husband did amazing things around the house, and it's almost entirely ready for it's once a month deep cleaning tomorrow. He also didn't complain that I fell asleep at 7:30 last night, tired and sore after training this week.
And, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my favorite new species that I've encountered, and that has been the True Friend. It's strange; before this blog, my experiences with these have been limited, but since I've opened this window into my life, people have been coming inside, and really loving on me in unexpected ways. From the long-time, long distance friend who took time on a weekend to call me and cheer me on for an hour (thanks, Karina!), to the acquaintance who I didn't think was really interested in being my friend sending me a heartfelt email of support and encouragement (thanks, Allison!), and all the way to the lovely new friend who came to join me in twisting myself into new and interesting shapes at the gym yesterday (thanks, Julia!), I have been so incredibly blessed by women (and one guy, thanks, Jerit!), who have come alongside me to keep me company as I walk this road. I've also received messages too numerous to call out here (thanks, all!!!) on Facebook; messages of love and fellowship, and I am just humbled and grateful. That all of you have taken your time and cared enough to reach out is so amazing to me. Thank you, and I love you!!
So, it seems, my journey continues, and I have the sore muscles to prove it. I'm not seeing much result on the scale this week, but I'm not too surprised or worried about that. I think my body is having a "What in the World is Happening?" moment, and so while it's confused, I can't blame it for holding on to everything it can for security. However, if the body doesn't get the picture in the next week or so, I may have to do the unthinkable and take a Spinning class just to clue it in!!
MR
The name of this post comes from my aforementioned trainer, as this is how he described himself to me over the phone the first time we spoke to set up our introductory appointment. To say I was apprehensive to meet him would be a tremendous understatement.But, he turned out to be a perfectly normal guy who lives inside a very fit body. To date, I have not perceived any knuckle dragging, club wielding, grunting, or an overabundance of dark matted hair. The first session was an assessment to see my level of fitness, and I don't blame him for that. All he knew of me was that I had 120 pounds to lose and had back surgery less than a year ago. After the assessment, he seemed pretty pleased, and actually told me that I move better than some people half my age that he's trained!!!! Apparently, my body's muscle memory is really good, and all those years I put in at the dance studio have paid off. My flexibility stinks, but balance and kinesthetic awareness are intact. That's good news in one sense, as I haven't squandered all of the good health God's blessed me with. However, it does mean that he feels perfectly fine with pushing me to my limits, knowing that I'm not going to fall apart if he does. I plan to continue to work with him for the foreseeable future, and have great confidence that he'll get me fit, even if it's against my will!
I'm also grateful to the gym for introducing me to another person who has been a virtual myth to me for a lot of years. This would be the Motivated Husband. Now, in fairness, my husband is an amazing provider and father. He picks up the slack for me more times than I can even do justice to here, and I don't know if any two kids are as loved by their daddies as mine are. If so, they are blessed children indeed. My only complaint with him is that he procrastinates when it comes to cleaning up and going through all of the stuff (read; junk) he brought into our relationship. Yesterday, I went to the gym and took my two boys with me. I love that the Y has activities for the little people while their parents are working out. A and L had a great time playing with new friends, running around and swimming in the pool (I went with them there), and I got to work on my flexibility knowing they were okay and busy. While we were gone, my husband did amazing things around the house, and it's almost entirely ready for it's once a month deep cleaning tomorrow. He also didn't complain that I fell asleep at 7:30 last night, tired and sore after training this week.
And, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my favorite new species that I've encountered, and that has been the True Friend. It's strange; before this blog, my experiences with these have been limited, but since I've opened this window into my life, people have been coming inside, and really loving on me in unexpected ways. From the long-time, long distance friend who took time on a weekend to call me and cheer me on for an hour (thanks, Karina!), to the acquaintance who I didn't think was really interested in being my friend sending me a heartfelt email of support and encouragement (thanks, Allison!), and all the way to the lovely new friend who came to join me in twisting myself into new and interesting shapes at the gym yesterday (thanks, Julia!), I have been so incredibly blessed by women (and one guy, thanks, Jerit!), who have come alongside me to keep me company as I walk this road. I've also received messages too numerous to call out here (thanks, all!!!) on Facebook; messages of love and fellowship, and I am just humbled and grateful. That all of you have taken your time and cared enough to reach out is so amazing to me. Thank you, and I love you!!
So, it seems, my journey continues, and I have the sore muscles to prove it. I'm not seeing much result on the scale this week, but I'm not too surprised or worried about that. I think my body is having a "What in the World is Happening?" moment, and so while it's confused, I can't blame it for holding on to everything it can for security. However, if the body doesn't get the picture in the next week or so, I may have to do the unthinkable and take a Spinning class just to clue it in!!
MR
Thursday, January 23, 2014
On Second Thought...
Several things have happened lately that have me reconsidering how I want to go about this weight loss thing.
The trouble I had with the whey isolate really scared me. While I found the Raw Vegan powder that I liked, after experimenting with it, I've learned that in order to make it drinkable, it really does need between 10-12 ounces of soy milk for every 19 grams of protein. If I have surgery, I'll be able to drink about 4 ounces at one meal, which means that for the two weeks prior to surgery and the two weeks after, I will be incredibly protein deficient. That scares me. A LOT. Without protein, the body breaks down muscle, and given that the heart, lungs, and intestines are nothing but, there's a real risk of damage to them if I can't get enough protein in.
The second thing that's happened is that I've lost eleven pounds from the first weigh in after I made the decision for surgery. That loss has come by cutting out soda, and restricting my carbs and total calories. I track what I eat, and I'm very careful about my awareness as I put things into my mouth. There's a part of me that thinks that 11 pounds in two months is a good result and if I can keep doing that, why let doctors remove part of my stomach?
I had my second required doctor's appointment with my family doctor on Monday, and we talked a lot about the surgery and whether or not a change of mind is in order. He tells me that 90% of the time, the surgery is unnecessary. He came very close to telling me it's unnecessary for me at this point. I have no other medical conditions (in weight loss surgery lingo they're called co-morbidities) which make rapid weight loss advisable, and the surgery carries some pretty big complications.
So, with the advice and encouragement of my doctor, this is the plan forward. I will continue meeting with him once a month, with a goal of losing a minimum of 5 pounds each month. He wrote me a prescription for a gym membership and personal training, which I started yesterday. (More on that in my next post) Because it's physician ordered, flexible spending dollars will cover the cost, and if I'm not having the surgery, I'm going to need to get that money back somehow! At my doctor's estimation, it should take me 24 months to lose 120 pounds, and that's the only down-side. It's slow. But, it took me 37 years to put this weight on my body, two doesn't seem like a bad exchange to get it off, as long as it keeps coming. I will still meet with my therapist to make sure I'm addressing the issues which in the past have made me binge, and I will still track everything I eat with a focus on proteins and good carbs.
If this doesn't work, then I still will have done everything to be compliant with my surgeon's office to qualify for the surgery, and it's always an option. I hope that folks don't think I'm chickening out, but, I just think based on what I know that I'd be in for a rough time afterward. I appreciate continued prayers for my weight loss journey, I know God is in control, and I feel he's leading me down this path.
MR
The trouble I had with the whey isolate really scared me. While I found the Raw Vegan powder that I liked, after experimenting with it, I've learned that in order to make it drinkable, it really does need between 10-12 ounces of soy milk for every 19 grams of protein. If I have surgery, I'll be able to drink about 4 ounces at one meal, which means that for the two weeks prior to surgery and the two weeks after, I will be incredibly protein deficient. That scares me. A LOT. Without protein, the body breaks down muscle, and given that the heart, lungs, and intestines are nothing but, there's a real risk of damage to them if I can't get enough protein in.
The second thing that's happened is that I've lost eleven pounds from the first weigh in after I made the decision for surgery. That loss has come by cutting out soda, and restricting my carbs and total calories. I track what I eat, and I'm very careful about my awareness as I put things into my mouth. There's a part of me that thinks that 11 pounds in two months is a good result and if I can keep doing that, why let doctors remove part of my stomach?
I had my second required doctor's appointment with my family doctor on Monday, and we talked a lot about the surgery and whether or not a change of mind is in order. He tells me that 90% of the time, the surgery is unnecessary. He came very close to telling me it's unnecessary for me at this point. I have no other medical conditions (in weight loss surgery lingo they're called co-morbidities) which make rapid weight loss advisable, and the surgery carries some pretty big complications.
So, with the advice and encouragement of my doctor, this is the plan forward. I will continue meeting with him once a month, with a goal of losing a minimum of 5 pounds each month. He wrote me a prescription for a gym membership and personal training, which I started yesterday. (More on that in my next post) Because it's physician ordered, flexible spending dollars will cover the cost, and if I'm not having the surgery, I'm going to need to get that money back somehow! At my doctor's estimation, it should take me 24 months to lose 120 pounds, and that's the only down-side. It's slow. But, it took me 37 years to put this weight on my body, two doesn't seem like a bad exchange to get it off, as long as it keeps coming. I will still meet with my therapist to make sure I'm addressing the issues which in the past have made me binge, and I will still track everything I eat with a focus on proteins and good carbs.
If this doesn't work, then I still will have done everything to be compliant with my surgeon's office to qualify for the surgery, and it's always an option. I hope that folks don't think I'm chickening out, but, I just think based on what I know that I'd be in for a rough time afterward. I appreciate continued prayers for my weight loss journey, I know God is in control, and I feel he's leading me down this path.
MR
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Whey? No WAY!!!!
I wasn't expecting this process to be easy. I mean, the idea of a surgeon removing 85% of my stomach alone is extreme. Not to mention the all liquid diet for two weeks before and two weeks after the surgery. Not a walk in the park. However, I did think that I would be able to follow the rules, use the supplements and products my dietitian told me about, and take things one day at a time and achieve some level of success.
So, in the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I took the information that I'd gathered from books about protein powder and shakes to my local Vitamin Shoppe, in the hopes of being able to try a bunch of different things before surgery to know what I liked, and to have them ready for when I came home. The research I had done led me to believe that whey isolate protein is the protein supplement gold standard for bariatric patients, so that's what I went in search of. The folks at the Vitamin Shoppe were so helpful and supportive and showed me a bunch of different products, and let me sample some of them. I found a couple that I really liked, that had a huge 40 and 50 grams of protein per serving, but I noticed that as I was drinking them, I was getting thirstier and thirstier. And also itchy. And there were terrible, shooting pains running across my abdomen. It was actually pretty scary - I have a history of allergies, and anaphylaxis has always been a very real fear for me. Thankfully, I made it home, took some Zyrtec, and managed to hold on until my system got rid of the offending substance. Please understand, this reaction came from three sips of a Kool-Aid type drink with protein added to it. If I had actually made a shake, or finished one of the bottles of the juice, I'm not sure I'd be typing this right now, and perhaps my weight problem would no longer be an issue. Pretty sure crematories can cook big bodies as well as little ones!
Once I felt better, I started looking into what had happened. How could I be allergic to the purest form of the best protein on the market? Well, as it turns out, whey is code for milk. Whey and casein are the two proteins that make up cow's milk, and I - BIG SHOCKER - am allergic to milk. So what I had done to my poor, unhealthy body, is taken a substance that is essentially toxic to me, found the most pure and potent form of it, and then drank it voluntarily. I used to think I was reasonably intelligent. Perhaps, not so much.
So, back went the almost $200 of product I'd purchased, and back I went to the nice people at the Vitamin Shoppe. To say they were surprised to see me would be an understatement, but when I explained what happened, they once again were very helpful in suggesting alternatives. They told me that I was going to have to stick with Vegan products to ensure that whey didn't sneak into my system, and then showed me their vegan wall of stuff. As I started reading labels, more allergens started jumping out at me. Mango, rye, malt, barley...all of the ones that reacted terribly when I was skin-tested in June. In the whole of the Vitamin Shoppe, there were THREE products that might not kill me if I consume them. 3 Total. And God love the woman who was helping me...she warned me right off that they were going to be gross.
It was at that moment, staring at the shelf of my last hope that I had to ask myself, "How serious am I?" I knew I didn't want to waste any money on yucky protein I wouldn't use, and I really had to think about if the stuff was disgusting, but it was all I could have for a month straight, would I actually be able to go through with it. It was a wake up call, and in that moment, I think I finally got what this decision is. I am all in this time. There is no other way, and I'm willing to do what's required. I left the store with the one of the three that she told me was the most popular and said a prayer for disgusting to be a relative term.
The next day, I made a shake from a recipe I found in a bariatric cookbook that was called the Happy Elvis. It had peanut butter, protein powder, soy milk, and 1/4 of a banana in it. It wasn't bad. The flavor was actually pretty good. The texture, well, gritty and thick is the best I can say about it. But, I drank the whole thing, and felt amazing afterword. It was such a relief, and I'm still moving forward, heading towards June.
Guess I'm glad I still have the weight problem to worry about!
MR
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Merry Christmas?
What a great day for celebrating the birth of our Savior! It
was very low-key and great today, even if two of us are feeling a bit under the
weather. Little L has the worst of it…poor boy is coughing, coughing, coughing,
and not sleeping very well. He’s happy when he isn’t hacking, so it could
definitely be worse, but I pray he feels better soon. And I’m the other infirm.
More just fighting off what L has, probably, but I felt a little icky most of
the day. My mother in law came over to watch the opening of the presents, and
then she went to celebrate the day with a bunch of her friends with Chinese and
a movie. My men were kind enough to let me sleep this afternoon, and played
with their new gadgets and thingamabobs. Finally at about 3:00, my older son,
A, decided that the newly acquired Chemistry set had waited long enough to be
torn into. We did a few experiments, had our first chemical spill, and are the
proud owners of “jelly crystals” tonight in various colors. I have to say that
Gi-Gi hit it out of the park with that gift, as my budding scientist loves to
see how things work, and to make them do so. I swear, he’s Sheldon from the Big
Bang Theory! If life imitates art, I’d be perfectly fine with a Ph.D in Physics
for him.
The one downer of the day, which seems so insignificant,
given the whole birth of the Savior thing, is that during the holidays, you
can’t avoid cameras and family pictures. God love my husband, but he loves to
take pictures. No matter if I’ve had a shower, or am wearing my ratty pajamas
with my hair half up in a bun, half mangled by having 2 sleepy boys crawl over
it in their hopes of being undiscovered sneaking into my bed. The pictures
today were especially brutal after a late night of present wrapping, and not
feeling great. After seeing them, I can only say…I’m ENORMOUS. I’m even too big
for euphemistic language. I am huge. My belly is bigger than my boobs, I have
no neck, just chins, and I’m well…a blob. Jabba the hut in flannel jammies.
It’s really odd, too, as I’m trying to pay better attention
to my eating. We had a great Saturday night visiting with some friends of ours
who we hadn’t seen in about five and a half years. In that time, there are five
extra children between us, and a whole lot of living. We had a wonderful time
visiting with them and their friends, and food wasn’t even the highlight. I
brought turkey meatballs – totally acceptable in a low-carb state of mind, and
only ate a little bit of the dips and stuff that were brought too. I drank unsweetened
tea, and didn’t even miss the dessert tray. I was really excited to see myself
able to deal with a social situation in a responsible way. But, then, less than
24 hours later, we were visiting with my husband’s aunt, and I tell you, there
wasn’t a cookie, cake, sweet, soda, etc. that I didn’t shove down my throat in
record time. I wasn’t even hungry. It was just there, so I ate it. Not to
mention all of the sweets we inherited from church and other gatherings. I
don’t understand why I eat when I’m not hungry, but the evidence of doing so is
sitting around my midsection.
I truly am blessed that there are people in my life who love
me in spite of my obvious lack of self-control. And it’s because of them I know
I’ll be successful with the surgery. The nice people over at ObesityHelp.com
tell me that everyone that finds themselves in a bariatric surgeon’s office has
had experiences like mine, that food is just overwhelming. The surgery is a
tool which can be used to take away the power the food has. I can’t wait for
the surgery…I hate being out of control, and I hate the guilt, the shame, and
the embarrassment that looking at pictures of myself brings. Now that Christmas
is officially over (it’s 1 AM on the 26th, I’ll be able to get on
track with my program and see if I can’t get a little bit of good work done
between now and surgery. I have some leads on some protein products I’d like to
try, and have signed up for a service that will deliver low-carb dinner recipes
to me once a week. I figure if I can just work something out for snacks and
lunches, I’ll be in good shape. I’m sure there’s some kind of frozen meal that
will work for the South Beach Diet (if not exactly one for that program). I
hope that future writings will be more positive as I start finding some
success, and can be proud of losses.
I wish I didn’t get so down on myself. I wish that I didn’t
have this issue. I wish I understood exactly how I got to this point, and why
it manifests itself in me this way. Too bad I didn’t get a genie in a bottle
for Christmas….at the moment, that feels like the only way those wishes would
be answered.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I'm so FREAKING excited!
Who knew I'd ever be excited about a 2000 calorie diet? Certainly not me, and yet, here I am, completely thrilled for this next step in my process.
Today was the day I met with the bariatric dietitian at my surgeon's office. While officially this is just one of the hoops I have to jump through, unofficially it was a phenomenal visit. She was so sweet, and treated me like my weight issues were no big deal. It's nice to be treated as a person with a problem that needs resolving instead of a pariah. We discussed my eating history from the time that I first noticed a problem until present day, and the steps I'll be walking to get me to my surgery date.
This post may be a little too technical for anyone who isn't going through the process, but part of my reason for writing it down is so that I remember! Before I get into the boring details however, I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this so far. The feedback I've gotten has been so great, and I really appreciate all of the people who have chosen to walk this road with me, and support me as I get healthy. I'm so blessed by you all...friends at last!!!! And it's AMAZING!!
So..I'm on target for my surgery in June. My insurance company's requirements are sort of strict, and a real pain in the posterior, but I'm doing all I can to meet them, and not give them any room to not approve the surgery. I have to:
Today's appointment was really good, as I was able to ask a lot of the questions I've thought of since my first meeting with my surgeon. I'm glad to know that the practice I've chosen believes in doing very tight sleeves (more restriction) then larger ones. They also do a liver shrinking diet for two weeks prior to the surgery to make sure that they can be as safe as possible. That's a nice way of saying brutal, evil, no sugar, 1000 calorie mostly liquid diet. Bleh. But, that's okay; it'll get me ready for the 2 weeks post op when I will be having all liquids. Not all doctors do that, but by keeping patients on liquids, there's less of a chance of a leak or bleed post op. I'm all in favor of not doing either of those things! I'll come home from the hospital with a drain - I'm so grossed out by that it isn't funny. I'm trying not to think too much about it, as it gives me the willies. And then after a week, I'll have it removed, and then it's just recover, and mend. I'll be eating probably about 500 calories a day for the first 4 months, and then it'll probably go up gradually until I'm at about 1000 by one year out. They encourage exercise post-op, and will set me up with a gym program at that time. While I'm doing the pre-op stuff, exercise isn't a huge focus, so it's mainly just increasing activity. Taking more steps, parking further away from buildings, stairs instead of elevators, etc. The only other thing I'm doing now until the time of the pre-op diet is eating only 2000 calories per day, with an emphasis on protein and fat, and minimal carbs. That is the way I will be eating the rest of my life, and the dietitian recommended I get started now, so that it won't be as much of a shock post op. The last thing she told me is that my desired goal weight is too low. She told me that I need to aim for between 150 and 155, since at the end of it all, 10 pounds will be non-metabolic skin. Again...ew. Sorry for the mental image on that one!
It feels good to have a plan, and to know the way forward. I know that the six months will pass quickly, and that by the time my son is a rising first grader, I'll be dealing with shrinking my liver and abdominal drains (ew). Patience has never been my strong suit, so this may be an excellent time to practice. Good things come to those who wait, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. As I am now starting to sound like a fortune cookie, I will end this.
Until next time.
MR
Today was the day I met with the bariatric dietitian at my surgeon's office. While officially this is just one of the hoops I have to jump through, unofficially it was a phenomenal visit. She was so sweet, and treated me like my weight issues were no big deal. It's nice to be treated as a person with a problem that needs resolving instead of a pariah. We discussed my eating history from the time that I first noticed a problem until present day, and the steps I'll be walking to get me to my surgery date.
This post may be a little too technical for anyone who isn't going through the process, but part of my reason for writing it down is so that I remember! Before I get into the boring details however, I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this so far. The feedback I've gotten has been so great, and I really appreciate all of the people who have chosen to walk this road with me, and support me as I get healthy. I'm so blessed by you all...friends at last!!!! And it's AMAZING!!
So..I'm on target for my surgery in June. My insurance company's requirements are sort of strict, and a real pain in the posterior, but I'm doing all I can to meet them, and not give them any room to not approve the surgery. I have to:
- Visit my primary care physician once a month for 6 months to discuss weight loss only
- Have a psychological exam to ensure that I am a good candidate for surgery
- Meet with a bariatric dietitian to discuss the post-op requirements and changes to be made
- Have a BMI of 35 or higher
- Not gain any weight from my first visit to the surgeon to the last one right before everything is submitted to insurance
Today's appointment was really good, as I was able to ask a lot of the questions I've thought of since my first meeting with my surgeon. I'm glad to know that the practice I've chosen believes in doing very tight sleeves (more restriction) then larger ones. They also do a liver shrinking diet for two weeks prior to the surgery to make sure that they can be as safe as possible. That's a nice way of saying brutal, evil, no sugar, 1000 calorie mostly liquid diet. Bleh. But, that's okay; it'll get me ready for the 2 weeks post op when I will be having all liquids. Not all doctors do that, but by keeping patients on liquids, there's less of a chance of a leak or bleed post op. I'm all in favor of not doing either of those things! I'll come home from the hospital with a drain - I'm so grossed out by that it isn't funny. I'm trying not to think too much about it, as it gives me the willies. And then after a week, I'll have it removed, and then it's just recover, and mend. I'll be eating probably about 500 calories a day for the first 4 months, and then it'll probably go up gradually until I'm at about 1000 by one year out. They encourage exercise post-op, and will set me up with a gym program at that time. While I'm doing the pre-op stuff, exercise isn't a huge focus, so it's mainly just increasing activity. Taking more steps, parking further away from buildings, stairs instead of elevators, etc. The only other thing I'm doing now until the time of the pre-op diet is eating only 2000 calories per day, with an emphasis on protein and fat, and minimal carbs. That is the way I will be eating the rest of my life, and the dietitian recommended I get started now, so that it won't be as much of a shock post op. The last thing she told me is that my desired goal weight is too low. She told me that I need to aim for between 150 and 155, since at the end of it all, 10 pounds will be non-metabolic skin. Again...ew. Sorry for the mental image on that one!
It feels good to have a plan, and to know the way forward. I know that the six months will pass quickly, and that by the time my son is a rising first grader, I'll be dealing with shrinking my liver and abdominal drains (ew). Patience has never been my strong suit, so this may be an excellent time to practice. Good things come to those who wait, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. As I am now starting to sound like a fortune cookie, I will end this.
Until next time.
MR
Thursday, December 12, 2013
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
Now that 90's era Meatloaf is running through my head, I have to get this down and out of my brain with the hopes that I'll be able to get some sleep once I'm not still chewing on it.
Yesterday, 12/11/13, I met with my family doc for the first of 6 monthly visits required by my insurance company to discuss weight loss. My family doc happens to be a brilliant guy, SUPER involved in nutrition and healthy living (he's one of the docs for USA Swimming), and I really enjoy getting his take on just about everything. He's very matter of fact, and doesn't put up with any crap out of anyone, and I'm sure he's made me cry at least once, if not more, when we've discussed my weight. He is onboard with me having the surgery, so I expected these visits to be cake.
You know what they say when one assumes, right? Well, that was sort of how yesterday went. Instead of talking about the surgery itself and the changes I need to make, we ended up discussing my husband and kids' buy in to the wacky idea of Mommy cutting out most of her stomach. My husband has told me that he will do anything to see me get healthy and where I want to be, and I appreciate that, however his definition of anything, and mine are vastly different. I hear "anything", and I understand it to mean "anything", whereas he hears "anything", and understands it to mean "anything that will cause me no discomfort or force me to change how I do anything or live my life". This is a huge problem, because in a couple of areas the way he lives his life is diametrically opposite to what I need my life to look like going forward. He is a self-admitted couch potato who prefers to be home to anywhere else on the planet, and he eats whatever he wants, and keeps a lot of junk-type foods within easy reach.
In order to be successful with the VSG, and to ensure the health I'm fighting so desperately for, I am going to have to get active, and I'm going to have to radically alter the foods that I put into my body. There are those who have told me that it's not fair for my husband to give up the things he likes because I'm an addict, but I really do disagree with that standpoint. If I were an alcoholic, would those same people tell me it's okay for him to have six packs and fifths laying around the house? It's the exact same thing, and I think the people who have that attitude don't accept that food can be an addictive substance just like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It goes beyond a lack of willpower or self control, though those things certainly play a role, and I don't need my vice staring me in the face while I'm existing on 600 calories a day. Would it really be that difficult for him to eat the junk and crap he likes during the 13 hours he's away from home every day? I wouldn't think so. I work from home, so I am constantly faced with his unhealthy food choices ALL DAY LONG.
There's another piece that's associated with this as well. My five year old is a VERY particular eater, just like his dad. There is not much decent nutrition in his current diet, and that kills me. It's my fault because I've been lazy, and haven't been willing to fight with him over what food he needs to eat. This HAS to change. He has inherited bad cholesterol from his dad, and obesity from me, and he needs to be taking care of his little body. My husband doesn't think that it will be possible for us to change the boy's attitude, and therefore is very resistant to even make the attempt.
Is it too much to ask that my family get healthy with me? Isn't my job as a parent to ensure that my kids know how to take care of their bodies and treat them with respect. For crying out loud, the bible tells us that outright. Our bodies stand to be the temples of the most high God. We need to respect them, and keep them clean and in good order. I feel like I'm walking an uphill road, and it's exhausting.
The good news is, my husband is wonderful, and we are able to talk about these things. He recognizes at this point that these issues need to be resolved during this time before I have the surgery. He is willing to go with me to my nutritionist appointment, and I'm hoping that she'll be able to help me get him and the kids on board with where they need to be. I pray that I can get him to come to my way of thinking, but that might be an impossibility. At the very least, he needs to be on my side, and willing to help me do what it takes to be successful. If that makes me weak, then I guess I'll own that label, but, at least in my weakness I've identified what will make me stronger.
MR
Yesterday, 12/11/13, I met with my family doc for the first of 6 monthly visits required by my insurance company to discuss weight loss. My family doc happens to be a brilliant guy, SUPER involved in nutrition and healthy living (he's one of the docs for USA Swimming), and I really enjoy getting his take on just about everything. He's very matter of fact, and doesn't put up with any crap out of anyone, and I'm sure he's made me cry at least once, if not more, when we've discussed my weight. He is onboard with me having the surgery, so I expected these visits to be cake.
You know what they say when one assumes, right? Well, that was sort of how yesterday went. Instead of talking about the surgery itself and the changes I need to make, we ended up discussing my husband and kids' buy in to the wacky idea of Mommy cutting out most of her stomach. My husband has told me that he will do anything to see me get healthy and where I want to be, and I appreciate that, however his definition of anything, and mine are vastly different. I hear "anything", and I understand it to mean "anything", whereas he hears "anything", and understands it to mean "anything that will cause me no discomfort or force me to change how I do anything or live my life". This is a huge problem, because in a couple of areas the way he lives his life is diametrically opposite to what I need my life to look like going forward. He is a self-admitted couch potato who prefers to be home to anywhere else on the planet, and he eats whatever he wants, and keeps a lot of junk-type foods within easy reach.
In order to be successful with the VSG, and to ensure the health I'm fighting so desperately for, I am going to have to get active, and I'm going to have to radically alter the foods that I put into my body. There are those who have told me that it's not fair for my husband to give up the things he likes because I'm an addict, but I really do disagree with that standpoint. If I were an alcoholic, would those same people tell me it's okay for him to have six packs and fifths laying around the house? It's the exact same thing, and I think the people who have that attitude don't accept that food can be an addictive substance just like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It goes beyond a lack of willpower or self control, though those things certainly play a role, and I don't need my vice staring me in the face while I'm existing on 600 calories a day. Would it really be that difficult for him to eat the junk and crap he likes during the 13 hours he's away from home every day? I wouldn't think so. I work from home, so I am constantly faced with his unhealthy food choices ALL DAY LONG.
There's another piece that's associated with this as well. My five year old is a VERY particular eater, just like his dad. There is not much decent nutrition in his current diet, and that kills me. It's my fault because I've been lazy, and haven't been willing to fight with him over what food he needs to eat. This HAS to change. He has inherited bad cholesterol from his dad, and obesity from me, and he needs to be taking care of his little body. My husband doesn't think that it will be possible for us to change the boy's attitude, and therefore is very resistant to even make the attempt.
Is it too much to ask that my family get healthy with me? Isn't my job as a parent to ensure that my kids know how to take care of their bodies and treat them with respect. For crying out loud, the bible tells us that outright. Our bodies stand to be the temples of the most high God. We need to respect them, and keep them clean and in good order. I feel like I'm walking an uphill road, and it's exhausting.
The good news is, my husband is wonderful, and we are able to talk about these things. He recognizes at this point that these issues need to be resolved during this time before I have the surgery. He is willing to go with me to my nutritionist appointment, and I'm hoping that she'll be able to help me get him and the kids on board with where they need to be. I pray that I can get him to come to my way of thinking, but that might be an impossibility. At the very least, he needs to be on my side, and willing to help me do what it takes to be successful. If that makes me weak, then I guess I'll own that label, but, at least in my weakness I've identified what will make me stronger.
MR
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