Back in the saddle (well, bike seat) again

It's been a good week from where I sit. Today was my weigh-in day (even though I technically did it yesterday), and I'm down 8.6 pounds from where I started back at the end of February. I didn't really start doing the program again until last week, though, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. Down 6.6 pounds from the first of April, so if I can keep this pace up, about eighteen months from now, I should be at goal, and quite a bit smaller than I am now.

The biggest thing I did differently this week was to head back to the gym. It's so funny, and it seems so simple, that to get back to the gym all you have to do is go there. And while in practical application that's true, there's a head game that goes on with it as well, somehow because I rejoined the gym back in February. Why did it take me nearly three months to head back? The best I can tell is that I didn't want it before this past week. I said I did, and maybe even I thought I did, but, clearly, I didn't until I really did. I feel like I'm writing in circles, and honestly, that's the way it is in my head too. The same impulse that told me I was ready to go back to the gym is also responsible for me feeling like makeup and curl care are again part of my daily routine. The strangest part is that I don't know where this feeling came from or why now. I may never understand the difference between what I want, and what I think I want, but the main idea of *this* paragraph is that I'm back doing the things that I know I need to do to be successful.

Because I don't understand, and because I don't know where the impulses originate, I'm meeting back with my therapist who specializes in additions (perfect for me!), and spending a lot more devoted time in the Bible. I do pray for wisdom and insight through this journey, and that God will show me what I need to see as long as it will get me to my goals. Maybe, however, discernment would get in the way at this stage, and I'll know more at the end than I do now at the beginning.

Interestingly, I came across this blog post this morning. (I hope it's okay that I linked to it, and if not, I hope that the woman who wrote it will let me know!) For some reason, I am really struck by how this woman feels. My current pictures look much more like her old ones, so when I read how she feels looking back, it's very right-now for me. 

I look at me … past vs. present. That is me. All of those pictures are of me. People say they do not recognize the girl in the other pictures. I’m here to say: that girl is me.Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already.Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different.Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not.She’s me.

I think I need more time to process this further, but my initial feeling when reading this was, this is how I feel about myself now. I am not a circus side-show, no matter if I look like I need a tent-maker to design my clothes. I worry about people noticing me starting to lose weight, because in the past when they have, I've run right back to food to get my comfort layer of blubber back on. I know I need to change my head through this process too, and that somehow I have to get beyond our sex-centered culture, my personal history with mean people who didn't value me, and perhaps hardest of all, myself and 38 years of damaging scripts replaying in my photographic memory. And if this woman, who is now, by all physical accounts, "better", struggles with this, the road I'm on is apparently going to get bumpier than I even imagined.

Good thing I'm working out, and remembering how to take care of myself in the falls.

MR

About that getting started back in August thing....

It didn't happen. 'Nuff said.

I am not going to beat myself up about what hasn't been done, or what I should have been doing, or the reasons why things weren't getting done. This is where I am today.

I joined Weight Watchers about 8 weeks ago, and am down about 10 pounds from when I started back, but really it's about where I was last year. My current weight is 271.2, and I'll take that! I took my measurements again tonight, and will post them at the bottom of the screen like before just to see how set-back I am. I'm going to be kind to myself though, and move forward from here.

A friend mentioned that she wants to start doing 5k's and asked if I'd like to join her. So, I have an initial goal of being ready for the Color Run here in Richmond on 9/19. I don't know if I'm going to run it, as I don't think my knees would appreciate that very much, but powerwalking is definitely an option. So thanks to Couch to 5K, my training regiment starts tomorrow. 

My last conversation with my doctor was enlightening. He told me that the liklihood of my experiencing a life-threatening event in the next ten years is astronomical. My oldest child, A, is only 6, so ten years from now, he'll only be sixteen. He needs his mom, and so does his little brother. I'm tired of hiding in this too-big body, afraid of what will happen if I'm thin. Life is only moving in one direction - I'm getting older, and the fun things are passing me by. 

Time to pick up from where I left off, and keep it moving. 

MR

Measurements

Neck - 15.5 in.

Bicep - 14.5 in.

Bust - 51 in.

Chest - 46 in.

Waist - 50 in.

Hips - 56.25 in.

Thigh - 27 in.

Calf - 18.5 in.

Bumps in the Road, and Blessings

Well, it's been a long time, and those who know me won't be surprised. A lot has happened since my last post, so consider this an update and picking up where I left off.

In my last post I mentioned that my back had flared up and that I thought it was from being sick and sleeping a lot. Turns out, my trainer, who I thought was doing me so much good, set my back recovery back a good 3 months. Did you know that if you do power moves in the gym it puts pressure on the cerebrospinal fluid in your back? And that pressure causes inflammation, and inflammation causes pain? I didn't either, and paid the price. From now on, my gym workouts will consist of me, cardio equipment, and anything that my surgeon tells me specifically is okay. I haven't been back to the scene of the crime to complain, because really it was my own ignorance that got me in trouble. While he should have, as a trained professional known better, I should have been strong enough to say "no, that hurts", and I didn't, so...lesson learned.

After the bronchitis, my entire family got hit with the norovirus plague that hit our city with a vengeance. I got the worst of it, and ended up in the hospital getting IV fluids and Zofran. I'm so blessed that I have a job where I can work from home, because if that wasn't the case, this illness would have put an end to my career. My older son, A, also had a pretty tough time, as it turns out his tummy isn't built quite right, and he ended up on acid reducers for 2 months, along with a couple of trips to a pediatric gastroenterologist. You know it's a bad bug when Lysol, alcohol and straight bleach don't manage to kill it. When I get to heaven, God and I are going to have to have a long conversation about the reason for norovirus. Along with ticks, maggots, the Holocaust, and a long list of other things that I don't understand.

Speaking of work, I also was (finally) hired as a full-time employee at my company. I'd been a contractor for 18 months, and was deeply entrenched in my program. I was really hoping not to have to leave (required after 24 months), and my boss is wonderful and amazing and tireless, and finally brought me on board. So, I'm an employee again!!! With Benefits!!! And time off!!!!! I love my job, I love my company, and I'm so, so grateful to God that the praying and more praying finally resulted in this. One of the perks is an on-site gym, so I'll be able to get back to it starting tomorrow.

Which leads me to the plan forward. When I left off in March, my weight was right at 273 and some ounces. During the stomach apocalypse, I'd gotten down to about 260, but I knew that wasn't real weight loss, as I was pretty sure my tonsils, appendix, a few hangnails, and it felt like the vast majority of my brain cells were lost in addition to any weight. Right now, I'm at 272, so I'm glad that my complete lack of effort on the weight loss front hasn't sent me back to the 280's. I, of course, was hoping to be farther along, but I'll take not have to re-lose what I already did.

So, starting tomorrow, there will be food journaling, and exercising, and hopefully a more steady blog presence.

Thanks for reading and here we go again!!
MR

Post-Plague Ponderings

It's been two long weeks of a cold and bronchitis and a back flare up that for a while had me scared I was headed back to the St. Francis surgery wing. I got back to the gym Thursday and Friday of this week (Side Note: a random guy that works out the same time I do noticed I was back and said "In the few weeks I've known you, you're looking better and doing great. Keep it up." Really, really made my day!), and worked out with a DVD tonight, but the diet has been absolute crap since I got sick, and I haven't been keeping up with my water. I'm really mad at myself, but trying to be gentle and forgiving and to fix what's wrong.

So, to that end, here's my analysis of the plague of 2014, and my goals and plans for the next time some opportunistic little bugger decides to pick a fight with my immune system.

Water - I haven't been drinking as much as I should, mainly because I've been sleeping, and coughing most of the time. This week, I'm going to go back to basics and start putting rubber bands back on my water bottle. For those of you unfamiliar with this method, I'll explain. For each glass of water you want to drink in a day, you put one rubber band around the container that you drink out of. As you finish each container-full, you remove a rubber band. At the end of the day, your container should be rubber-band free, and your body completely hydrated.  My standard container holds 16 oz, so I'll be putting 6 rubber bands on it, to set a goal of 96 oz. per day. That's more than what most people recommend, but because I'm so heavy, my fluid needs are greater than someone of average size.

Exercise - This was the first thing to go when I got sick, but only because I couldn't breathe. Both my trainer and my doctor agreed that I needed to rest and heal before picking up my plan again. Having said that, I probably should have made more of an effort to keep moving around, even if it was at a slower pace, and not really burning anything. Laying still for 10 days did a horrible thing to my back, and it's been very slow and painful to get it back to anything remotely close to normal. My trainers are wonderful, and they've given me some stretches to do before I get up, and when I do them, it does help. I've also been back to the chiropractor and he's working on me too. He recommended that I try inversion therapy (hanging upside down by my ankles - or doing headstands -yeah, right), so I ordered a table and we'll see how that goes. I have a feeling that's going to be a blog post all by itself, because it's either going to be a completely hysterical bust, or the best thing I've ever done for my long-abused lower back. This week I'm also going to be going back to my normal workout schedule, and shooting for 4 hours of cardio in addition to my training sessions at the gym.

Diet - I gave in to the ease and convenience of fast food while I was ill. I know better, and this is the thing that I'm having the hardest time forgiving myself for. I don't yet have a strategy for how to do this better next time, because when I'm sick, I don't really feel like going to the grocery store or preparing healthy, delicious meals for me and my family. It could just be a case of sucking it up and doing it anyway, but more research is needed on solutions for taking care of the nutritional needs of a family while feeling like complete poop. This week, we're back on track though. I've got my journal app all fired up, chicken marinating in the fridge, and more in the crock pot, and a grocery list made out for Wednesday when I get paid again.

Medicine - I've not mentioned this before, but I have chronic anxiety disorder with depression, and I take an SSRI to help me deal with life. I have to say, I love this medicine, and the way it gave me my life back and allows me to be present in my family's life. I don't take a ridiculously high dosage, and I'm at the point in my recovery that I recognize my body just needs a little help with its serotonin. At my last weight check with my doctor, he told me that with the increased exercise I was doing, he felt like we could lower my dosage of medicine, since exercise increases serotonin production. We cut the dosage in half, but immediately after that, I got sick, so I couldn't work out. I put myself back on the higher dosage until I correct my workout gaps, because even for the short time I was on the lower dose, I felt it, and that's not at all where I need to be. My goal here is to workout enough that the lower dose works great, however, this is one I'm willing to take super slowly because Crazy Red isn't good for anyone!

Thanks for reading!
MR

Month 2 measurements
273.4 pounds - (-6 pounds)
Neck - 15.5 inches - (-1.25 inches)*
Upper Arm - 14.75 inches (-.25 inches)
Chest - 49.5 inches (-1.25 inches)
Waist - 48 inches (-2.5 inches)
Hips - 56.5 inches (-.75 inches) 
Thigh - 27.5 inches (No change)
Calf - 19 inches (-.75 inches)*
Overall change - 6 pounds, 6.75 inches lost

* Might not be right, as the first month I measured myself, and couldn't see what I was doing.

A Living Sacrifice

  I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a 

living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Romans 12:1

This verse appeared in my Facebook news feed while I was entrenched in the battle of the scale several weeks ago. I have a lot of wonderful Facebook friends, many of whom are strong Christian ladies, and their encouragement from Scripture always seems to find me at just the right time. This particular verse really made me think and get my focus back on what's really important during this whole weight loss adventure I'm on.

In the Old Testament of the Bible, the animals that were sacrificed had to meet certain specifications. They had to be as close to perfect as possible in order to be considered worthy enough for the sacrifice to our Lord. Knowing that got me thinking. If I am to present myself as a living sacrifice, shouldn't I be working towards being the best I can be, and without blemish or stain so that I can be called worthy to be in the presence of God?

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know that I will NEVER be worthy enough, and I know that I can't earn my way into the Lord's presence. He chose to save me while I was still a sinner, unclean, and living about as far from Him as a human being can get. The redeeming blood of Jesus Christ is the only thing that I can count on for my eternal salvation, and I did nothing and can never do anything even now to "deserve" that. But, having said that, shouldn't I be striving to be as worthy as I humanly can? If Jesus lives in my heart, as I believe he does, shouldn't the body that holds the heart be as healthy and as "good" as possible? By changing my focus from the selfish desires of the flesh (being able to climb stairs, wearing clothes not made by a tent-maker, making my kids proud), no matter how nice they might be, to the Lord I have given my life to, all of the effort becomes if not easy, at least, meaningful. 

This whole concept was lived out for me the last time I was in the middle of a difficult workout. I was on an elliptical machine, and working very hard, sweaty, tired, sore legs, you name it, and I thought about calling it a day. I did 20 minutes, what does it matter if I didn't complete the workout. Who would know? Well, aside from myself, and the guilt I would carry from not achieving what I set out to, God would know. And in the middle of that thought, the lyrics from one of my favorite songs popped into my head:

I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength. I don't have to be strong enough...

He's strong enough, for the both of us. Matthew West

As soon as I realized again that God had all the strength I needed, I just kept on going. I swear it was Him who finished that workout, and not my tired body, but either way, it got done! I want to honor Him, and he will give me everything I need in order to do that. It's pretty amazing in that way!

I've always said that I have a long way to go on this road of weight loss and getting healthy, and now it turns out it may be longer than I thought. Until I take my last breath, I will be striving to make myself a sacrifice to the Lord. The good news is, He is with me while I do it, and I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

MR

Chocolate Cake is NOT the Enemy (aka The Scale Moved)

I feel it necessary to post again so soon after my last just to say, Praise be to God, the scale is stuck no more! I'm down a total of 12.2 pounds since the beginning of all of this, and am feeling great! Still have the sore back and am walking like a duck, but it's easier to do that on THIS side of the scale than the other.

I must confess that after I finished my workout last night, Sonic was calling my name, and I did purchase and eat the Sonic Molten Chocolate Banana Split Sundae Cake. Now, before all of my supporters roll their eyes and leave this blog forever, please hear me out. Before I ate said cake, I calculated the Weight Watchers Points for it (gone back to the WW method, it's easier to count to 42 than 2000) so I knew exactly how much damage I'd be doing. I had the points available without overdrawing my budget, so I went ahead. Also, as I was eating it, I asked myself after every bite, "Do I want more of this?" The answer was always yes, but I was extremely happy to be eating in the moment, and in control of what I put into my mouth. I enjoyed every bite of that chocolate disaster, and I must say, it was worth every STINKING one of the TWENTY points it took out of my allowance.

Admittedly, even though I didn't want there to be, there was a little bit of guilt about it, and I was a bit afraid of the scale this morning. However, L has gotten used to seeing me haul my chubby behind out of bed and straight onto the metal and glass torture device. It would have rocked his tiny little Type A world if I had changed this part of the morning routine, and I didn't want to leave my husband to deal with a fried toddler brain while I went skipping (more like staggering..it was 6:30AM) off to the gym. And what do you know? 273.8 - A new low!!! Woohoo!!!!

So, what have I learned from this? I've learned that the scale is not the most important thing. I've learned that chocolate cake (IN MODERATION) will not completely destroy my results, and eating it mindfully will actually kill a craving in record time. I've learned that going to the gym actually makes me feel better, and my body doesn't hurt anywhere near as much after I workout than if I don't.

I'm sure this isn't the last time I will be frustrated that this isn't going as well or as fast as I'd like it to, and so I think that God is also using this to continue his work on my patience. My goal is complete surrender to what I know is God-honoring in this (treating my body like His temple) and not focusing on any of the earthly stuff. I'm not there yet, but I pray that I can get there without another object lesson in a stubborn scale.

MR

I hate my &%(@#$&( Scale - otherwise known as the mid-month 1 update

I'm in a very bad mood tonight.

I should qualify this by stating that I'm sick with some kind of energy-draining cold thing, and my body is still really sore during this adjustment period of exercise.

However...even given those qualifications, I'm still in a very bad mood. The scale has shown me up FIVE pounds since I started working out. The consensus from my doctor, trainers, and Google seems to be that there is a lot of inflammation in my body as I'm tearing and rebuilding muscle mass, and water is surrounding the muscles as they heal. Water weighs a lot, so it shows up on the scale. The logical part of my brain understands this hypothesis, but, the fat girl looking for results is pretty ticked off.

In addition to the weight "gain", I've also been experiencing back pain for the past few days, caused by, I'm sure, the increased activity. For those who've never experienced a complete herniation of a disk in the lumbar spine, I won't be able to explain the pain of that in a way that will accurately describe that feeling, but, I'll try. When I herniated my disk, I was unable to do anything but lie flat on my back in bed. I was taking morphine and Valium every 4 hours, just to keep the pain tolerable. It took me 4 or 5 attempts to go to the bathroom, because the pain was so bad I couldn't sit. I'm so grateful that I had surgery to remove the disk material, and I get a little freaked when my back or leg starts to ache, because I can't imagine going through all of that again. So far, working out and stretching has helped it, but it does tighten up as I slow down at the end of the day. I'm hoping that this painfulness is also temporary as my body gets used to the increased activity.

I'm so frustrated. I made the decision to have surgery to improve my health, only to find out that the surgery would be very detrimental to my health due to my allergies. So, I regrouped and made the decision to do this the old fashioned way - controlled diet and exercise and I GAIN weight. My husband, who I know would have taken great care of me after surgery is starting to show signs of being tired of my leaving the house to work out or checking out from the kids so I can plan menus, and doesn't seem to understand the back pain caused by exercise. I feel like because I'm doing this the "normal" way, I'm somehow not able to get what I need in the way of support. It's been a really difficult week.

But, what can I do but just keep going? If I stop now, I'll still be unhealthy and fat, and probably continue to gain weight and put myself at risk of terrifying complications. My kids will be teased for their "fat mom", and I won't be able to play with them or interact in the way I want to. I don't want to stop, but going forward at this point just seems so hopeless.

There is some good news from today. I did get to play outside with my boys after weeks of freezing cold weather. We played walking tag (since running at my size is really dangerous for my knees), and hide and seek and there were lots of giggles and happy little boy faces. That was a lot of fun! Also, I did go back to the gym today (took yesterday off due to the plague), and did a couple of things I hadn't done in a while. Took a four and a half mile stationary bike ride and swam some laps. I forgot how much I like to swim as a form of exercise. It's great...I don't notice the sweat, and because of that, I can work longer in the water than on land. I have no idea how many calories I burn doing it, but, I'm sure it's better than sitting at home watching football.

I guess that'll be my takeaway for now. Even if I don't lose another ounce. Even if the pain continues to be uncomfortable. Quitting isn't the answer, but I think I need to change my expectations. Maybe I can't look ahead to what the outcome of all this work may be. Maybe the point is just that I do what I know to be right. Success would certainly be easier to come by if it was just a matter of tracking what I eat and exercising, I just don't know if I can wrap my head around not expecting anything to come of it. However, all expecting results is doing for me now is disappointing me. I think the answer is changing my focus and leaving the result up to God.

MR

Side Note-Month 1 measurements
279.4 pounds
Neck - 16.75 inches
Upper Arm - 15 inches
Chest - 50.75 inches
Waist - 50.5 inches
Hips - 57.25 inches
Thigh - 27.5 inches
Calf - 19.75 inches