God created the heavens and the earth. And they were very good. Then, the devil came in and screwed everything up, and we've been fighting our sin nature ever since. Some people suffer from the sin of lust, others, the sins of greed, or envy, or vanity. For me, it's always been gluttony.
Okay, maybe not always. I know there are a few of school pictures from my early years where I don't have round cheeks and a double chin, but it literally is a very few. By the fourth grade, I was chubby. Fifth grade saw me at the beginning of fat, and in sixth grade I started the constant cycle of dieting and overeating that has plagued my life for twenty-five years.
My reasons for the weight gain are textbook. I am not profound or unique in my struggle. A picked on kid - the proverbial ugly duckling - I turned to food. Food never told me I wasn't pretty. Food never called me a troll. Food never oinked at me when I walked by. Food never beat me up, and it never let me down. Instead, it made me feel good. Or maybe it was numb. Either way, hiding inside my bedroom and eating was safe. Outside of those four walls, however, the world waited to attack.
I became the common enemy...no matter how low someone was in the middle school pecking order, I was always lower, and kids traveled en mass looking for ways to make my life hell. If I had one friend at a time, I was fortunate, and that person always was ostracized for associating with me. Now as I write this, I have one friend on the entire planet who has been with me since kindergarten, and even she suffered along the way. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16, and that from a guy who dumped me as soon as his friends found out we were dating. After that experience, I really did lock myself in the house, and got heavier and heavier. At my high school graduation, I weighed 225 pounds.
College was admittedly better. People were kinder and more mature. I was known more for my intelligence in class and my long red hair than my fluffy figure, and friends came more easily. However, romantic relationships still eluded me, as I wasn't the Baywatch blonde I knew every man in southern California was looking for. I watched my friends pair off - find the loves of their lives- and I was the permanent third wheel. The odd girl out for every social function. I found myself at the bar or the buffet until it was time to go, and the pounds kept coming.
Then, almost miraculously, I discovered how to get male attention. I'm not going to go into details here, because that part of my life is incredibly painful, and I'm not ready to share it with the world. I discovered Internet dating, and was very happy. I met a man who lived all the way across the country in Virginia, and moved to be with him. I was 20 years old, and though I didn't know it at the time, I was jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
He was smart and had a sarcastic wit that I enjoyed. He had a good job, and was appreciative of my talent in that particular activity listed above, and he told me I was beautiful. I moved to Virginia without ever seeing a picture of him, simply because he was the first person who told me I was valuable. Sadly, my value to him was to pass me around as a party favor while he explored the concepts of kink, swinging and open marriage. It is only by the grace of the Lord God Almighty that I lived through the four years of that relationship. However, it took a toll on my waistline. Even subconsciously, I believe I was doing all I could to fight against that life, and set about making myself unattractive. I left him weighing 260 pounds, with a venereal disease, and an addiction that still plagues me to this day.
I moved out on my own and began taking better care of myself. I met my (now) husband who is a wonderful man of God, who really did love me for me, and we've built a life together. We have two gorgeous boys, and are living a blessed life in the protection of Christ Jesus. There's just one fly in the ointment.
Deep down, I know that I'm still broken. I'm a little girl in seventeen pieces who just wants people to be nice to me, but can't believe they're being truthful when they are. I'm that scared teenager who is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. To realize that the life I'm living is all going to be snatched away from me by a cruel bully who will wet himself laughing while I curl up and rock in the corner. And I eat when those thoughts overwhelm me. And I now weigh 285 pounds.
I have come to this place like so many others before me. Some who have worse stories than mine. I have made the decision that I am done living like that little broken girl. I am a daughter of Christ. An heir to the kingdom of God. No ex-husband, no bully, no two-faced little b**** who pretended to be my friend or even the ones who despised me for no reason are going to take the victorious life I should be living away from me. To quote a much overused expression, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I'm doing something about it.
On Tuesday, November 19, 2013, I attended a seminar at Advanced Surgical Partners to learn about weight loss surgery. I listened to the doctors talk about options, and found a great sense of peace contemplating the Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy procedure. I'm moving forward, and have my first consultation with my surgeon, Dr. Gregory Schroeder, on 12/3/13. My insurance company requires 6 months of medical weight loss consultation prior to approving the procedure, so I'm looking at the June time-frame to be operated on.
This is the beginning of a journey that I pray will lead to a one hundred and forty pound weight loss and along with the physical healing of my long-abused body, I pray it will bring a spiritual healing as well. I'm taking back my life one ounce, one step, one bite at a time, and I'm grateful to have you along for the ride. Please pray for me. I'm so blessed by your reading this.
Until next time,
MR
