Friday, May 29, 2015

An anniversary letter

Dear 20 year old version of me who got on a plane 18 years ago today,

You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. You are going to leave your family and friends and throw yourself into the power of a narcissistic sociopath who is going to destroy you from the inside out. You think you love him, because he hasn't shown you who he really is yet. You've seen glimpses, in his sick fantasies and his frustration when you have an opinion that differs from him; but you have chosen to ignore what is plainly there to escape your life that you hate.

Dear one, I know that it's been hard, and that this looks like the best chance you'll have. I know you've been emotionally tormented by scads of people who never even gave you a chance, or tried to get to know you. I know you're lonely as your friends pair off and find men who love them - or at least ones to sleep with. Being the third wheel sucks, and I know you think this is going to be an exciting adventure with love at the end of it. Trust me when I tell you it won't.

Blessed girl, if only you would listen to the words your Father has spoken to you about being a joy, and a delight and the good plan He has for your life. If only you would trust in Him for your happiness and not worry about the human trappings that you're surrounded by. Oh how I wish your faith was stronger, and how I wish you'd trusted in Him instead of the human you replaced Him with for a time.

You are going to have a very rough time over the next four years, Young One, mainly because you are diving in WAY over your head, and because your pride isn't going to let you undo it easily. You are going to be debased, abused, attacked, and belittled, and it's going to almost kill you. In three short years, you will be a beautiful bride, standing in a church, praying that some other man would be waiting for you at the end of the aisle - or better yet, wondering how you can tell all those people you don't want to get married at all. You will look back at pictures from that day and wish everything different. And in four years, you will be reeling with guilt for breaking your marriage vows and attempting to start over.

But, God is good, Darling lady, and He will get you through. You're going to be damaged - disobedience and doing things your own way can't allow for anything less - but you will survive. And you will see just how strong God made you, and what you're truly able to do with His help. He will give you many blessings at the end of the darkness. You will eventually meet the man He has for you and you'll have two children of your own who adore you. You will be successful at work, and you will earn the respect of people around you. You will make friends, with godly people who don't expect you to sacrifice your most intimate and personal pieces to make them love you. And it will be good.

But Sweetheart, you won't always see the good. The scar that this bad decision will leave on your heart will make you untrusting and insecure. You will always be confused about what love really is, and how sex isn't all there is to it. You will struggle against passion that you should have never known anything about, and you will fight to be the woman God has called you to be, instead of allowing yourself to rest in His peace and truth for your life.

Oh, Foolish, Desparate, Brokenhearted girl; If I could, I'd jerk you out of that airplane seat and lock you in a box until you finally figured out that you have so many gifts. You are a beautiful soul with fantastic hair. And you're funny. And so freaking smart. And capable of doing anything you set your mind to. But I can't, and unfortunately, those are lessons that you're going to have to learn through pain, and tears, and the school of hard knocks.

And you will learn them. But, spoiler alert, it's going to hurt. A LOT.

Sincerely,

Your thirty-eight year old self

Sunday, May 24, 2015

I hate it when this happens

I need to keep telling myself that at least I didn't gain weight this week. At least the scale didn't go up. At least I am still at -15.2 pounds since getting back on track.

I do keep telling myself those things, but it doesn't help. The scale showed me exactly the same as last week yesterday. No more killer weight loss in the whole pounds. Nothing. Bupkus. Nada. Nein. A big fat round goose egg. I was in the gym everyday. I tracked what I ate. Not sure what went wrong.

Well, that's not entirely true. I did eat fewer plants, and I did eat a few things that I am allergic to, so it could be inflammation. I need to check with my doctor on Tuesday and get his perspective on this. I was feeling so bad about all of this today that I actually ate 94 points worth of food. That's a lot. I've used up all of my weekly points, and swapped out all but one of my activity points so far for the week. The good news is that I'll earn more activity as I hit the gym every morning, and be a little more careful about what I put into my body.

My head is also not in the greatest place at the moment. Because this is a public blog, and anyone can read it, I have to be vague about why. I need to get back in with my therapist to see if I can turn my head and feelings about weight loss into a positive source of motivation instead of a negative. For the past four weeks I've been driven by a lot of really damaging thoughts, and I knew that would probably come back to bite me someday, and it looks like now is the time. It's hard to be motivated by negativity when the results aren't there.

I really need God to help me through this. To carry me through this week to Saturday and my next weigh-in, and every day in between. I need to be mindful of His presence and strength every time I make a choice regarding food or exercise, or water, or anything. I know He wants to help me and is just waiting for me to turn back to Him with an open heart. Stupid sin and stubbornness makes that so hard. Being human sucks.

Pray for me. I need it.
MR

Sunday, May 17, 2015

5%

Yesterday was a momentous occasion in my ongoing quest! I received my first piece of Weight Watchers "bling" that means I met a milestone accomplishment on my weight loss journey. I received my 5% lost award. That means I've lost 5% of my total body weight through this program, which equaled 14 pounds. Officially, I've lost 15.2 pounds overall, and I really do feel wonderful about it!

I am hitting the gym every morning, and getting really hot, sweaty and nasty, but by the time I'm done, I'm okay with that. It gives me great appreciation for my morning shower! My routine has been 30 minutes on a treadmill doing an interval training program. I've increased .1 mph on both the low end (currrently 2.2 mph) and the high end (currently 3.7 mph) and will continue to do that until I'm sure that I can meet the time requirement of the Diva 5K in DC in September, which is 5K in 50 minutes. After the treadmill, I do a stationery bike program for about 20 minutes. While I'm trying to keep my heart rate to 117, I haven't been very good about that, so I'm staying in the "Basic" programs for now, because I don't like to see my heart rate above 145. I'm getting too old for that! Then yesterday, because I had church right after the gym, I did just 30 minutes on an elliptical trainer. But in those 30 minutes, I burned 300 calories!! I was floored to see that! I think that's going to be my standard Sunday workout for the time being. I also follow the 30-day workout challenge that I mentioned in my last post. After the first couple of days, the soreness has gotten better, and while I still am feeling my workouts after them, the pain is absolutely manageable. I feel great going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I am really proud of myself that I didn't let my illness derail my fledgling efforts.

On a note slightly off the weight loss topic, but still in keeping with the self-improvement, my husband and I went on a Date Night on Saturday. We went to a local shooting range - Colonial Shooting Academy, if anyone's interested - THEY'RE AWESOME! They were really friendly and very helpful. I hadn't been to a range in about fifteen years, when I "stole" (according to my dad) my grandfather's .357. I still contend that I won it fair and square, and that if he didn't want to give it to me, he shouldn't have offered it. Can I help it that I out-shot him and my big brother on the range? Anyway, I took that gun with us, and it was amazing to shoot it again. I remembered halfway through that the first time I was shooting .38 special rounds through it, and .357 rounds are quite a bit more explosive. I did pretty well, but Hubby out-shot ME this time. I didn't like being on the other side of the fence, and have slightly more sympathy for my dad than I used to. Hubby and I also rented a couple of .45 semi-autos. I have to say that semi-automatics make me nervous. The flying hot brass coming back at me scares me just a tiny bit, but I enjoyed shooting those guns. I did okay, but more practice is definitely needed. We made a new friend on the range that had a couple of really LOUD revolvers, and we traded some shots on each other's weapons. It was a great night, and definitely something out of the ordinary for me. Of course, hubby and I didn't get to talk much, but we had fun, and it was nice to be without the kids for a block of time. I'm hoping to get to sign up for the Ladies Basic Pistol class and get my concealed carry permit. Not that I think I need to wear a gun, but it would definitely give me confidence to know I could take down someone who tried to hurt me or my kids.

All in all, really happy with how things are in life. My husband told me just today that he wants to make a concerted effort to be more of a spiritual leader in our home, and I'm excited about that as well. My goal in life is to honor God with what I do, and to demonstrate my faith in ways that the world can see. I fall down....A WHOLE LOT...but I know that God isn't going to give up on me even in my many mistakes, and it will be great to have my husband fulfill his role of a godly man and head of his family.

Nothing but good news here tonight!
MR

Measurements
Neck - 15.5 in.- No Change
Bicep - 14.5 in. - No Change
Bust - 49.5 in. - (-1.5 inches)
Chest - 46 in. - (-1 inch)
Waist - 49.25 in. - (-.75 inches)
Hips - 57.5 in. - (+1.25 inches)
Thigh - 25 in. - (-2 inches)
Calf - 18.75 in. - (+.25 inches)
TOTAL CHANGE - (-3.75 inches)
WEIGHT - 262.2 (-15.2 pounds)

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Oh yeah...I have thighs

I love the ladies at my Weight Watchers meeting. Even though I have to be out of the house by 7:15 in the morning on a Saturday to see them, I love them. They are the best, most supportive group of members I have ever come across, and BELIEVE me, there have been a lot along the way. This group has its own Facebook page, they go to race events together, they even have their own stinking t-shirts! I'm so blessed they've welcomed me into the fold.

As a part of my initiation, however, I have been introduced to the 30-Day Fitness challenge. Every month, these girls pick a calendar of exercises to do each day of the month. They seem deceptively benign at first glance, but as I have just found out, they are not for the faint of heart - or for that matter, the fat of ass. Yesterday was Day 1 of the newest challenge, and it seemed easy enough: 20 jumping jacks, 10 squats, 10 sit-ups, and 5 push-ups. I was so proud of myself for completing it, that I only barely noticed that my quads were a little wibbly when I got done. (Wibbly: a combination wiggly and wobbly, which is the perfect word for what I have going on.) Fast forward to this morning, when I attempted to jog across the parking lot after a kind motorist gave me the go ahead. I almost went down face-first on the pavement as those quads (not to mention hamstrings and gluts) are in a full-scale revolt. Seriously, I believe if they could leave my body, they'd be sitting in a surly pile on my brand new ottoman in the living room.

The best part of this story, though is yet to come. Remember that I said it's a DAILY challenge. That meant that today, there was more to be done. Never one to shirk from a challenge, I gamely pulled up the website and saw: 20 high knees, 10 lunges, 10-second plank, and 5 push-ups. The high knees actually felt pretty good because I got to stretch those tight, tight, tight hamstrings a bit. The lunges hurt like the dickens, and I'm pretty sure I will pay for them tomorrow. The plank, I'm humiliated to say was SO HARD. You wouldn't think that 10 seconds was a long time, but I really was concerned I wouldn't make it. Embarrassing, when just 10 years ago I could hold a plank for 4 minutes and shock my physical therapist. What has motherhood done to me? And the pushups were fine, but I fear my delts may be heading the same way as my leg muscles if I'm not careful.

There is more slated for tomorrow as well. If memory serves, I think it's a repeat of Day 1 with an extra pushup thrown in. I'm not telling my thighs about the squats or they really may just give up now, and I'll head to church in the morning a boneless chicken.

I'm really not trying to complain however. There's a part of me that is sore and grumpy, but the bigger part is sore and grateful to be so. I'm still missing the gym, as this plague is long-lasting and breath-reducing; I'm glad to be doing something physical to remind myself that the hiatus is only temporary. I did miss my Weight Watchers meeting today - overslept - bad me, but I did go and weigh in. Down another 2.6 pounds, which is awesome for a week that I couldn't work out and ate like crap. I didn't eat much, though, as my appetite was completely gone from the lack of a sense of smell or taste. I'm down a total of 11.2 pounds from where I began back in February, and pretty close to my first goal of 5% body weight lost, which is 14 pounds. I sent a note to my doc, and he was pretty happy with me too, and my latest biometric screening at work came back with amazing numbers that I was relieved to see. I love this tool that I found online a while ago. The picture on the left is what I'm shaped like now, and the picture on the right is me at goal. Pretty fabulous, isn't it?






















None of this is easy, but it is necessary. It definitely seems easier this time than it has before. It might be my determination - my desire to at last get this ridiculous weight off my body. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for it. When I graduated high school, I weighed 220 pounds. A year later, after my first serious relationship crashed and burned I got down to 192. When I married my first husband, I was at 220 again, and when I left him I'd gained to almost 250. During my separation and moving out on my own, I got down to about 215, and it's been a steady climb over fifteen years to where I am now. I know that I purposely gained weight during my first marriage so that I wouldn't be attractive to the other men my husband kept trying to get me to sleep with (the joys of an "open" marriage), and I know that I gained weight as a teenager because food was my friend and constant companion when there weren't any people around. What I can't figure out is why I've allowed myself to gain over these last years that I've been with my current husband and supposedly happy. He's a good man, and we have a good life, but yet the weight has piled on just as before. Figuring that out is going to be the key to getting the weight off, and harder still keeping it off when I get there.

It's nice to know that while I'm figuring, I have a group of wonderful women to support me, and a burning in my major muscle groups to let me know I'm on the right track!

MR

Friday, May 8, 2015

Why does this ALWAYS happen?

Getting back to the gym is the best thing that's happened to me in a LONG time. I love knowing that I'm doing something good for my health, and by going so early in the morning, I'm not even awake enough to mind. Why then, do I always contract the plague a week into my new routine?

I'm SO MAD! As annoying as having a cold with a stuffy head is anyway, to have to stop exercising has really twisted my chain. I think this is the first time that I've been mad about it as opposed to complacent or just accepting of my fate and not going back. I'm happy that I miss it, and that I'm looking forward to going back. Those 5K's in September aren't going to speedwalk themselves, and I will be there getting spray painted and wearing tutu's and tiaras. How is that not fun?

I went to the doctor today and got some medicine to help me feel better, but I think there's more than my physical health that's bothering me. My day job is an absolute nightmare these days. I made the unfortunate decision to try to make things better for myself and my team, and it's blown up in my face. My boss has taken everything I was responsible for away from me, and I have nothing to focus on. It's rough, and I'm trying to hang on long enough to find a new role somewhere close by, but it isn't easy. I end every day cranky, exhausted and unhappy. Then, I have to pick up the boys, and do the single mom thing for a couple of hours until hubby gets home. Hubby helps put the little ones to bed, and then he zones out to relax from his day. Not a whole lot of quality time happening right now, and that's disappointing.

I've been visiting my therapist frequently, and she tells me that my life right now is pretty typical for a woman in her late 30s with little kids, but holy crap, this is rough. I dream about running away from home, but where would I go? I love my men, the big one and the two littles. I just have a very active mind that likes to remember simpler times when there were no responsibilities and nothing on the calendar. There are times when I long to go back to that, and I'm in the middle of one of those times. It's not a great place for my head to be, and I pray that as I feel better, the desire to escape will recede and I can get back to my life of good wife, happy mommy, and fulfilled employee.

Meanwhile, I'm just going to go back to bed with my Afrin, tissues, and Advil and pray for a better day tomorrow.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

Back in the saddle (well, bike seat) again

It's been a good week from where I sit. Today was my weigh-in day (even though I technically did it yesterday), and I'm down 8.6 pounds from where I started back at the end of February. I didn't really start doing the program again until last week, though, so I'm pretty pleased with myself. Down 6.6 pounds from the first of April, so if I can keep this pace up, about eighteen months from now, I should be at goal, and quite a bit smaller than I am now.

The biggest thing I did differently this week was to head back to the gym. It's so funny, and it seems so simple, that to get back to the gym all you have to do is go there. And while in practical application that's true, there's a head game that goes on with it as well, somehow because I rejoined the gym back in February. Why did it take me nearly three months to head back? The best I can tell is that I didn't want it before this past week. I said I did, and maybe even I thought I did, but, clearly, I didn't until I really did. I feel like I'm writing in circles, and honestly, that's the way it is in my head too. The same impulse that told me I was ready to go back to the gym is also responsible for me feeling like makeup and curl care are again part of my daily routine. The strangest part is that I don't know where this feeling came from or why now. I may never understand the difference between what I want, and what I think I want, but the main idea of *this* paragraph is that I'm back doing the things that I know I need to do to be successful.

Because I don't understand, and because I don't know where the impulses originate, I'm meeting back with my therapist who specializes in additions (perfect for me!), and spending a lot more devoted time in the Bible. I do pray for wisdom and insight through this journey, and that God will show me what I need to see as long as it will get me to my goals. Maybe, however, discernment would get in the way at this stage, and I'll know more at the end than I do now at the beginning.

Interestingly, I came across this blog post this morning. (I hope it's okay that I linked to it, and if not, I hope that the woman who wrote it will let me know!) For some reason, I am really struck by how this woman feels. My current pictures look much more like her old ones, so when I read how she feels looking back, it's very right-now for me. 

I look at me … past vs. present. That is me. All of those pictures are of me. People say they do not recognize the girl in the other pictures. I’m here to say: that girl is me.Don’t look at her as an abomination, because enough people, myself included, did that already.Don’t congratulate me on no longer being her; I still am her. And doesn’t she deserve to be? Don’t tell me I look better; I don’t. I look different.Don’t speak of her as if she is a poor, piteous person. She’s not.She’s me.
I think I need more time to process this further, but my initial feeling when reading this was, this is how I feel about myself now. I am not a circus side-show, no matter if I look like I need a tent-maker to design my clothes. I worry about people noticing me starting to lose weight, because in the past when they have, I've run right back to food to get my comfort layer of blubber back on. I know I need to change my head through this process too, and that somehow I have to get beyond our sex-centered culture, my personal history with mean people who didn't value me, and perhaps hardest of all, myself and 38 years of damaging scripts replaying in my photographic memory. And if this woman, who is now, by all physical accounts, "better", struggles with this, the road I'm on is apparently going to get bumpier than I even imagined.

Good thing I'm working out, and remembering how to take care of myself in the falls.

MR