Dear 20 year old version of me who got on a plane 18 years ago today,
You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. You are going to leave your family and friends and throw yourself into the power of a narcissistic sociopath who is going to destroy you from the inside out. You think you love him, because he hasn't shown you who he really is yet. You've seen glimpses, in his sick fantasies and his frustration when you have an opinion that differs from him; but you have chosen to ignore what is plainly there to escape your life that you hate.
Dear one, I know that it's been hard, and that this looks like the best chance you'll have. I know you've been emotionally tormented by scads of people who never even gave you a chance, or tried to get to know you. I know you're lonely as your friends pair off and find men who love them - or at least ones to sleep with. Being the third wheel sucks, and I know you think this is going to be an exciting adventure with love at the end of it. Trust me when I tell you it won't.
Blessed girl, if only you would listen to the words your Father has spoken to you about being a joy, and a delight and the good plan He has for your life. If only you would trust in Him for your happiness and not worry about the human trappings that you're surrounded by. Oh how I wish your faith was stronger, and how I wish you'd trusted in Him instead of the human you replaced Him with for a time.
You are going to have a very rough time over the next four years, Young One, mainly because you are diving in WAY over your head, and because your pride isn't going to let you undo it easily. You are going to be debased, abused, attacked, and belittled, and it's going to almost kill you. In three short years, you will be a beautiful bride, standing in a church, praying that some other man would be waiting for you at the end of the aisle - or better yet, wondering how you can tell all those people you don't want to get married at all. You will look back at pictures from that day and wish everything different. And in four years, you will be reeling with guilt for breaking your marriage vows and attempting to start over.
But, God is good, Darling lady, and He will get you through. You're going to be damaged - disobedience and doing things your own way can't allow for anything less - but you will survive. And you will see just how strong God made you, and what you're truly able to do with His help. He will give you many blessings at the end of the darkness. You will eventually meet the man He has for you and you'll have two children of your own who adore you. You will be successful at work, and you will earn the respect of people around you. You will make friends, with godly people who don't expect you to sacrifice your most intimate and personal pieces to make them love you. And it will be good.
But Sweetheart, you won't always see the good. The scar that this bad decision will leave on your heart will make you untrusting and insecure. You will always be confused about what love really is, and how sex isn't all there is to it. You will struggle against passion that you should have never known anything about, and you will fight to be the woman God has called you to be, instead of allowing yourself to rest in His peace and truth for your life.
Oh, Foolish, Desparate, Brokenhearted girl; If I could, I'd jerk you out of that airplane seat and lock you in a box until you finally figured out that you have so many gifts. You are a beautiful soul with fantastic hair. And you're funny. And so freaking smart. And capable of doing anything you set your mind to. But I can't, and unfortunately, those are lessons that you're going to have to learn through pain, and tears, and the school of hard knocks.
And you will learn them. But, spoiler alert, it's going to hurt. A LOT.
Sincerely,
Your thirty-eight year old self
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