Whey? No WAY!!!!

I wasn't expecting this process to be easy. I mean, the idea of a surgeon removing 85% of my stomach alone is extreme. Not to mention the all liquid diet for two weeks before and two weeks after the surgery. Not a walk in the park. However, I did think that I would be able to follow the rules, use the supplements and products my dietitian told me about, and take things one day at a time and achieve some level of success. 

So, in the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I took the information that I'd gathered from books about protein powder and shakes to my local Vitamin Shoppe, in the hopes of being able to try a bunch of different things before surgery to know what I liked, and to have them ready for when I came home. The research I had done led me to believe that whey isolate protein is the protein supplement gold standard for bariatric patients, so that's what I went in search of. The folks at the Vitamin Shoppe were so helpful and supportive and showed me a bunch of different products, and let me sample some of them. I found a couple that I really liked, that had a huge 40 and 50 grams of protein per serving, but I noticed that as I was drinking them, I was getting thirstier and thirstier. And also itchy. And there were terrible, shooting pains running across my abdomen. It was actually pretty scary - I have a history of allergies, and anaphylaxis has always been a very real fear for me. Thankfully, I made it home, took some Zyrtec, and managed to hold on until my system got rid of the offending substance. Please understand, this reaction came from three sips of a Kool-Aid type drink with protein added to it. If I had actually made a shake, or finished one of the bottles of the juice, I'm not sure I'd be typing this right now, and perhaps my weight problem would no longer be an issue. Pretty sure crematories can cook big bodies as well as little ones! 

Once I felt better, I started looking into what had happened. How could I be allergic to the purest form of the best protein on the market? Well, as it turns out, whey is code for milk. Whey and casein are the two proteins that make up cow's milk, and I - BIG SHOCKER - am allergic to milk. So what I had done to my poor, unhealthy body, is taken a substance that is essentially toxic to me, found the most pure and potent form of it, and then drank it voluntarily. I used to think I was reasonably intelligent. Perhaps, not so much.

So, back went the almost $200 of product I'd purchased, and back I went to the nice people at the Vitamin Shoppe. To say they were surprised to see me would be an understatement, but when I explained what happened, they once again were very helpful in suggesting alternatives. They told me that I was going to have to stick with Vegan products to ensure that whey didn't sneak into my system, and then showed me their vegan wall of stuff. As I started reading labels, more allergens started jumping out at me. Mango, rye, malt, barley...all of the ones that reacted terribly when I was skin-tested in June. In the whole of the Vitamin Shoppe, there were THREE products that might not kill me if I consume them. 3 Total. And God love the woman who was helping me...she warned me right off that they were going to be gross. 

It was at that moment, staring at the shelf of my last hope that I had to ask myself, "How serious am I?" I knew I didn't want to waste any money on yucky protein I wouldn't use, and I really had to think about if the stuff was disgusting, but it was all I could have for a month straight, would I actually be able to go through with it. It was a wake up call, and in that moment, I think I finally got what this decision is. I am all in this time. There is no other way, and I'm willing to do what's required. I left the store with the one of the three that she told me was the most popular and said a prayer for disgusting to be a relative term.

The next day, I made a shake from a recipe I found in a bariatric cookbook that was called the Happy Elvis. It had peanut butter, protein powder, soy milk, and 1/4 of a banana in it. It wasn't bad. The flavor was actually pretty good. The texture, well, gritty and thick is the best I can say about it. But, I drank the whole thing, and felt amazing afterword. It was such a relief, and I'm still moving forward, heading towards June.

Guess I'm glad I still have the weight problem to worry about!

MR

Merry Christmas?

What a great day for celebrating the birth of our Savior! It was very low-key and great today, even if two of us are feeling a bit under the weather. Little L has the worst of it…poor boy is coughing, coughing, coughing, and not sleeping very well. He’s happy when he isn’t hacking, so it could definitely be worse, but I pray he feels better soon. And I’m the other infirm. More just fighting off what L has, probably, but I felt a little icky most of the day. My mother in law came over to watch the opening of the presents, and then she went to celebrate the day with a bunch of her friends with Chinese and a movie. My men were kind enough to let me sleep this afternoon, and played with their new gadgets and thingamabobs. Finally at about 3:00, my older son, A, decided that the newly acquired Chemistry set had waited long enough to be torn into. We did a few experiments, had our first chemical spill, and are the proud owners of “jelly crystals” tonight in various colors. I have to say that Gi-Gi hit it out of the park with that gift, as my budding scientist loves to see how things work, and to make them do so. I swear, he’s Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory! If life imitates art, I’d be perfectly fine with a Ph.D in Physics for him.

The one downer of the day, which seems so insignificant, given the whole birth of the Savior thing, is that during the holidays, you can’t avoid cameras and family pictures. God love my husband, but he loves to take pictures. No matter if I’ve had a shower, or am wearing my ratty pajamas with my hair half up in a bun, half mangled by having 2 sleepy boys crawl over it in their hopes of being undiscovered sneaking into my bed. The pictures today were especially brutal after a late night of present wrapping, and not feeling great. After seeing them, I can only say…I’m ENORMOUS. I’m even too big for euphemistic language. I am huge. My belly is bigger than my boobs, I have no neck, just chins, and I’m well…a blob. Jabba the hut in flannel jammies.

It’s really odd, too, as I’m trying to pay better attention to my eating. We had a great Saturday night visiting with some friends of ours who we hadn’t seen in about five and a half years. In that time, there are five extra children between us, and a whole lot of living. We had a wonderful time visiting with them and their friends, and food wasn’t even the highlight. I brought turkey meatballs – totally acceptable in a low-carb state of mind, and only ate a little bit of the dips and stuff that were brought too. I drank unsweetened tea, and didn’t even miss the dessert tray. I was really excited to see myself able to deal with a social situation in a responsible way. But, then, less than 24 hours later, we were visiting with my husband’s aunt, and I tell you, there wasn’t a cookie, cake, sweet, soda, etc. that I didn’t shove down my throat in record time. I wasn’t even hungry. It was just there, so I ate it. Not to mention all of the sweets we inherited from church and other gatherings. I don’t understand why I eat when I’m not hungry, but the evidence of doing so is sitting around my midsection.

I truly am blessed that there are people in my life who love me in spite of my obvious lack of self-control. And it’s because of them I know I’ll be successful with the surgery. The nice people over at ObesityHelp.com tell me that everyone that finds themselves in a bariatric surgeon’s office has had experiences like mine, that food is just overwhelming. The surgery is a tool which can be used to take away the power the food has. I can’t wait for the surgery…I hate being out of control, and I hate the guilt, the shame, and the embarrassment that looking at pictures of myself brings. Now that Christmas is officially over (it’s 1 AM on the 26^th, I’ll be able to get on track with my program and see if I can’t get a little bit of good work done between now and surgery. I have some leads on some protein products I’d like to try, and have signed up for a service that will deliver low-carb dinner recipes to me once a week. I figure if I can just work something out for snacks and lunches, I’ll be in good shape. I’m sure there’s some kind of frozen meal that will work for the South Beach Diet (if not exactly one for that program). I hope that future writings will be more positive as I start finding some success, and can be proud of losses.

I wish I didn’t get so down on myself. I wish that I didn’t have this issue. I wish I understood exactly how I got to this point, and why it manifests itself in me this way. Too bad I didn’t get a genie in a bottle for Christmas….at the moment, that feels like the only way those wishes would be answered.

MR

I'm so FREAKING excited!

Who knew I'd ever be excited about a 2000 calorie diet? Certainly not me, and yet, here I am, completely thrilled for this next step in my process.

Today was the day I met with the bariatric dietitian at my surgeon's office. While officially this is just one of the hoops I have to jump through, unofficially it was a phenomenal visit. She was so sweet, and treated me like my weight issues were no big deal. It's nice to be treated as a person with a problem that needs resolving instead of a pariah. We discussed my eating history from the time that I first noticed a problem until present day, and the steps I'll be walking to get me to my surgery date.

This post may be a little too technical for anyone who isn't going through the process, but part of my reason for writing it down is so that I remember! Before I get into the boring details however, I just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has read this so far. The feedback I've gotten has been so great, and I really appreciate all of the people who have chosen to walk this road with me, and support me as I get healthy. I'm so blessed by you all...friends at last!!!! And it's AMAZING!!

So..I'm on target for my surgery in June. My insurance company's requirements are sort of strict, and a real pain in the posterior, but I'm doing all I can to meet them, and not give them any room to not approve the surgery. I have to:

• Visit my primary care physician once a month for 6 months to discuss weight loss only
• Have a psychological exam to ensure that I am a good candidate for surgery
• Meet with a bariatric dietitian to discuss the post-op requirements and changes to be made
• Have a BMI of 35 or higher
• Not gain any weight from my first visit to the surgeon to the last one right before everything is submitted to insurance

As of today's visit to the dietitian, I am down 3 pounds from my first weigh-in on the 3rd. I've met with the her, and have had the first visit with my PCP. I am seeing a therapist, but she is not allowed to do the psych exam, so I will have to make an appointment with one of the providers that is approved by the surgeon's office, and finish my visits with my doctor. Everything should be ready to go to  my insurance company in mid-May, and I'm shooting for a surgery date in mid-June, so that I'll have most of the summer break to recover while my kids go to camp.

Today's appointment was really good, as I was able to ask a lot of the questions I've thought of since my first meeting with my surgeon. I'm glad to know that the practice I've chosen believes in doing very tight sleeves (more restriction) then larger ones. They also do a liver shrinking diet for two weeks prior to the surgery to make sure that they can be as safe as possible. That's a nice way of saying brutal, evil, no sugar, 1000 calorie mostly liquid diet. Bleh. But, that's okay; it'll get me ready for the 2 weeks post op when I will be having all liquids. Not all doctors do that, but by keeping patients on liquids, there's less of a chance of a leak or bleed post op. I'm all in favor of not doing either of those things! I'll come home from the hospital with a drain - I'm so grossed out by that it isn't funny. I'm trying not to think too much about it, as it gives me the willies. And then after a week, I'll have it removed, and then it's just recover, and mend. I'll be eating probably about 500 calories a day for the first 4 months, and then it'll probably go up gradually until I'm at about 1000 by one year out. They encourage exercise post-op, and will set me up with a gym program at that time. While I'm doing the pre-op stuff, exercise isn't a huge focus, so it's mainly just increasing activity. Taking more steps, parking further away from buildings, stairs instead of elevators, etc. The only other thing I'm doing now until the time of the pre-op diet is eating only 2000 calories per day, with an emphasis on protein and fat, and minimal carbs. That is the way I will be eating the rest of my life, and the dietitian recommended I get started now, so that it won't be as much of a shock post op. The last thing she told me is that my desired goal weight is too low. She told me that I need to aim for between 150 and 155, since at the end of it all, 10 pounds will be non-metabolic skin. Again...ew. Sorry for the mental image on that one!

It feels good to have a plan, and to know the way forward. I know that the six months will pass quickly, and that by the time my son is a rising first grader, I'll be dealing with shrinking my liver and abdominal drains (ew). Patience has never been my strong suit, so this may be an excellent time to practice. Good things come to those who wait, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. As I am now starting to sound like a fortune cookie, I will end this.

Until next time.
MR

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

Now that 90's era Meatloaf is running through my head, I have to get this down and out of my brain with the hopes that I'll be able to get some sleep once I'm not still chewing on it.

Yesterday, 12/11/13, I met with my family doc for the first of 6 monthly visits required by my insurance company to discuss weight loss. My family doc happens to be a brilliant guy, SUPER involved in nutrition and healthy living (he's one of the docs for USA Swimming), and I really enjoy getting his take on just about everything. He's very matter of fact, and doesn't put up with any crap out of anyone, and I'm sure he's made me cry at least once, if not more, when we've discussed my weight. He is onboard with me having the surgery, so I expected these visits to be cake.

You know what they say when one assumes, right? Well, that was sort of how yesterday went. Instead of talking about the surgery itself and the changes I need to make, we ended up discussing my husband and kids' buy in to the wacky idea of Mommy cutting out most of her stomach. My husband has told me that he will do anything to see me get healthy and where I want to be, and I appreciate that, however his definition of anything, and mine are vastly different. I hear "anything", and I understand it to mean "anything", whereas he hears "anything", and understands it to mean "anything that will cause me no discomfort or force me to change how I do anything or live my life". This is a huge problem, because in a couple of areas the way he lives his life is diametrically opposite to what I need my life to look like going forward. He is a self-admitted couch potato who prefers to be home to anywhere else on the planet, and he eats whatever he wants, and keeps a lot of junk-type foods within easy reach.

In order to be successful with the VSG, and to ensure the health I'm fighting so desperately for, I am going to have to get active, and I'm going to have to radically alter the foods that I put into my body. There are those who have told me that it's not fair for my husband to give up the things he likes because I'm an addict, but I really do disagree with that standpoint. If I were an alcoholic, would those same people tell me it's okay for him to have six packs and fifths laying around the house? It's the exact same thing, and I think the people who have that attitude don't accept that food can be an addictive substance just like drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. It goes beyond a lack of willpower or self control, though those things certainly play a role, and I don't need my vice staring me in the face while I'm existing on 600 calories a day. Would it really be that difficult for him to eat the junk and crap he likes during the 13 hours he's away from home every day? I wouldn't think so. I work from home, so I am constantly faced with his unhealthy food choices ALL DAY LONG.

There's another piece that's associated with this as well. My five year old is a VERY particular eater, just like his dad. There is not much decent nutrition in his current diet, and that kills me. It's my fault because I've been lazy, and haven't been willing to fight with him over what food he needs to eat. This HAS to change. He has inherited bad cholesterol from his dad, and obesity from me, and he needs to be taking care of his little body. My husband doesn't think that it will be possible for us to change the boy's attitude, and therefore is very resistant to even make the attempt.

Is it too much to ask that my family get healthy with me? Isn't my job as a parent to ensure that my kids know how to take care of their bodies and treat them with respect. For crying out loud, the bible tells us that outright. Our bodies stand to be the temples of the most high God. We need to respect them, and keep them clean and in good order. I feel like I'm walking an uphill road, and it's exhausting.

The good news is, my husband is wonderful, and we are able to talk about these things. He recognizes at this point that these issues need to be resolved during this time before I have the surgery. He is willing to go with me to my nutritionist appointment, and I'm hoping that she'll be able to help me get him and the kids on board with where they need to be. I pray that I can get him to come to my way of thinking, but that might be an impossibility. At the very least, he needs to be on my side, and willing to help me do what it takes to be successful. If that makes me weak, then I guess I'll own that label, but, at least in my weakness I've identified what will make me stronger.

MR

That's it???????

Today was my long anticipated first surgeon's consult, and to say it was anticlimactic would be a huge understatement. No new information, and more questions about the process have come up. I have my first appointment with his nutritionist on the 19th and it's an hour long, so we'll see what happens with her. Since I'm already seeing a therapist, I'm hoping she might be able to do the psych evaluation, and then it should just be the 6 appointments with my primary care doctor. I'm not sure why, but I'm a bit let down with the process so far. It all seems like no big deal to them, and I guess it isn't...but, a little reassurance might have been nice.

I talked to my mother in law tonight and she tells me this lack of warm fuzziness is absolutely normal. She had the full gastric bypass done in 2006 by the same doctor. On the day of her surgery, she weighed 343 pounds and had a blood sugar of 342. Since then, she's lost over 200 pounds, and is no longer considered diabetic. I am so proud of her, and the improvement in her life is inspiring to me. She was older when she had it done, and has said that she wishes she had done it sooner, so I am taking that word from her and doing it now, while I'm still young enough to enjoy the rest of my life, and before bad things start happening to me.

Today I've been thinking about what life will be like on the other side of this HUGE surgery. Best guess based on what I've found online, I'll be somewhere around a size 10 when I get to my goal of 140 pounds. That's insane!! I wore a size 10 in 5th grade. WHEN I WAS ELEVEN years old. And hadn't reached my full height. I'll be able to play with my sons, and take them to the pool without worrying about what I look like in a bathing suit. My little one, who will be about 4 when this is all done will only remember fat mommy when he looks at pictures. My older son, who loves me SO, so much now, will be 7 when I'm done, and will actually be able to sit on my lap. I'm doing this as much for them as I am for myself. They deserve a mom who can be fully there...who can wrestle with them on the floor and can pick herself up when she's done.

So, I guess that's the takeaway from today. I don't need the surgeon to get me excited, or to repeat what I already know. I'm going to have this surgery. I'm going to do everything they tell me to do. I will work through the ancient issues that have kept me prisoner all these years. And I will do this. This will work, and truthfully, the only thing I need from my surgeon is a steady hand, and 85% less stomach on that fateful day in June.

MR