I'm in a very bad mood tonight.
I should qualify this by stating that I'm sick with some kind of energy-draining cold thing, and my body is still really sore during this adjustment period of exercise.
However...even given those qualifications, I'm still in a very bad mood. The scale has shown me up FIVE pounds since I started working out. The consensus from my doctor, trainers, and Google seems to be that there is a lot of inflammation in my body as I'm tearing and rebuilding muscle mass, and water is surrounding the muscles as they heal. Water weighs a lot, so it shows up on the scale. The logical part of my brain understands this hypothesis, but, the fat girl looking for results is pretty ticked off.
In addition to the weight "gain", I've also been experiencing back pain for the past few days, caused by, I'm sure, the increased activity. For those who've never experienced a complete herniation of a disk in the lumbar spine, I won't be able to explain the pain of that in a way that will accurately describe that feeling, but, I'll try. When I herniated my disk, I was unable to do anything but lie flat on my back in bed. I was taking morphine and Valium every 4 hours, just to keep the pain tolerable. It took me 4 or 5 attempts to go to the bathroom, because the pain was so bad I couldn't sit. I'm so grateful that I had surgery to remove the disk material, and I get a little freaked when my back or leg starts to ache, because I can't imagine going through all of that again. So far, working out and stretching has helped it, but it does tighten up as I slow down at the end of the day. I'm hoping that this painfulness is also temporary as my body gets used to the increased activity.
I'm so frustrated. I made the decision to have surgery to improve my health, only to find out that the surgery would be very detrimental to my health due to my allergies. So, I regrouped and made the decision to do this the old fashioned way - controlled diet and exercise and I GAIN weight. My husband, who I know would have taken great care of me after surgery is starting to show signs of being tired of my leaving the house to work out or checking out from the kids so I can plan menus, and doesn't seem to understand the back pain caused by exercise. I feel like because I'm doing this the "normal" way, I'm somehow not able to get what I need in the way of support. It's been a really difficult week.
But, what can I do but just keep going? If I stop now, I'll still be unhealthy and fat, and probably continue to gain weight and put myself at risk of terrifying complications. My kids will be teased for their "fat mom", and I won't be able to play with them or interact in the way I want to. I don't want to stop, but going forward at this point just seems so hopeless.
There is some good news from today. I did get to play outside with my boys after weeks of freezing cold weather. We played walking tag (since running at my size is really dangerous for my knees), and hide and seek and there were lots of giggles and happy little boy faces. That was a lot of fun! Also, I did go back to the gym today (took yesterday off due to the plague), and did a couple of things I hadn't done in a while. Took a four and a half mile stationary bike ride and swam some laps. I forgot how much I like to swim as a form of exercise. It's great...I don't notice the sweat, and because of that, I can work longer in the water than on land. I have no idea how many calories I burn doing it, but, I'm sure it's better than sitting at home watching football.
I guess that'll be my takeaway for now. Even if I don't lose another ounce. Even if the pain continues to be uncomfortable. Quitting isn't the answer, but I think I need to change my expectations. Maybe I can't look ahead to what the outcome of all this work may be. Maybe the point is just that I do what I know to be right. Success would certainly be easier to come by if it was just a matter of tracking what I eat and exercising, I just don't know if I can wrap my head around not expecting anything to come of it. However, all expecting results is doing for me now is disappointing me. I think the answer is changing my focus and leaving the result up to God.
MR
Side Note-Month 1 measurements
279.4 pounds
Neck - 16.75 inches
Upper Arm - 15 inches
Chest - 50.75 inches
Waist - 50.5 inches
Hips - 57.25 inches
Thigh - 27.5 inches
Calf - 19.75 inches
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