Happy

It's been an interesting month of going nowhere fast. My last post was incredibly honest about where I was, and I stayed in that place for too long. June was a bust as far as weight loss goes, but the good news is, I didn't gain anything while I floundered, which I'm taking as a success!

At my Weight Watchers meetings, the focus for the summer is happiness. This is a subject that I struggle with. When asked, I say that I'm a happy person. I usually have a smile on my face, and I love to laugh and make jokes with the best of them, but deep down, am I happy? What does that even look like? I'm learning.

The first meeting was about whether it's more true to be happy to lose weight, or to lose weight to be happy. This one was an easy one for me. I know that I'm much stronger and capable when I am enjoying the now. In spite of my size, it's important for me to have fun, and to do all I can, and not wait for some imaginary future time to get here that may never come. That meeting was interesting, but I felt like I had a good handle on the concept before I got there.

The next meeting was about taking time to calm down, and just be mindful of every moment, and everything inside of every moment. Now this one is HARD for me. I am always busy - my boss uses the word manic, and God knows that I'm not allowed to drink coffee at work. Slowing down and paying attention is really challenging. At the meeting, I did manage to sit still and quiet and breathe for two minutes, and I did go home and try to start a practice of meditating, but it's sort of fallen away. Now that I've written it down, though, I feel an obligation to get back to it. It's nice to enter the day from a peaceful place, with a calm spirit. It's energizing - and even as the day goes to hell in a hand basket, breathing and calm are just a few minutes away.

Now the meeting after the calm one has been one of my favorites ever. It's all about vision, and making a plan to get there. It asks the question, what do I want, and what do I need to do to get what I want, and making those things real. I've made a vision board to help me along, but, so it can be canonized here we go. My goal is to be a size 10. I've stopped focusing on the number, because honestly I have no idea what the number will be at a 10, but I do know that if I'm a 10, I'll fit into a size medium, and have a pretty decent shape. I want to play with my kids. I want to dance again. I want to feel comfortable in my skin, and I want to look on the outside like I feel on the inside. To do that, I need to clean up my eating, continue to exercise, and keep my eye on the goal instead of insignificant distractions. In the meeting there was this cool pie chart that talks about what influences one's ability to lose weight. 50% was genetics (thanks, Mom and Dad), but only 10% was attributed to life's circumstances. The other 40% was how we choose to react to the other two sections. It's interesting to think about, and in my therapy sessions, I'm going to be looking to build some practices to help me make sure that my reactions are in keeping with the long term goal.

Today's meeting was another good one. It was about gratitude and making sure to express it to the people and for the things I am grateful for. Here goes: I am grateful to my husband who does far more than his share of our life together. I am grateful that he loves our boys and me, and does all he can to provide for us and love us. I am grateful for old friends, who've walked with me on this journey for a long time, and have always supported me no matter what was going on. Erika, Jerit, Karina, Tracey, Tiffanie - you guys are amazing, and I love you so much. I know we're far away and lots of times our communication is just on Facebook, but I thank God for all of you when I think about how he's blessed me with your presence in my life. And I'm grateful for new friends. Darnella, I don't know where you've been all my life, but girl, I love you so much! I am so lucky that I get to do this weight-loss thing with you, and that you get me so well, that I don't have anywhere to go with you but onward. We're gonna kill this thing, lady - TOGETHER. I'm also grateful for random friendships that have popped up in the most surprising and unexpected places. An afternoon shooting session and drinks with a co-worker. A new colleague turned friend to mentor and learn from. It's so awesome that God has brought me just the people I need for just this time. Thanks y'all for letting me lean on you, and for taking such good care of me, my heart, and my feelings through all of this.

Writing all of that has made me happy. On a daily basis, I'm not sure that I can say I'm always "happy". There's a lot of negativity in me, whether I want to own it or not. I talk badly about myself, and as much as I KNOW I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, and have, over and over again, there is a really loud, really negative voice that likes to come and whisper in my ear. For the longest time, I have listened to it, and worse, believed what it said, but just now, since starting to write this, I have figured something out. That negative voice is Satan. He is the stealer of my happiness. And when I listen to his lies, I can't be focused on the joy that I'm promised as a daughter of the most high and the recipient of some amazing, perfect, and awesome gifts. So enough of that. Now that I'm onto his game, I can beat him at it. I can focus on God's truth, and spit that back out when I hear the lies. Aw, man....it's ON again, and the devil better look out! The crazy redhead's got another plan to leave him in the dust, and it starts first thing in the morning!

MR